Last week I got a note from a member of our 48Days.net community. She had described how she lived in a remote area, had lots of family responsibilities, some health issues, and just wanted some support and encouragement. 
Here’s a snippet of her note:
“But what I have found in the 48 Days community is a little bit different. It’s a “how to” and intellect-oriented place rather than a place for emotional support. If your ability to ‘do’ has been in any way reduced by life circumstances, the tips in this website become moot. The goal-orientation of the people here seems to push me into doing things that I can not do given my situation. I felt pressured and alienated instead of accepted and supported.”
Now this is a dicey dynamic – but here is my response to Mary:
“I think you’ve accurately captured the focus of the 48 Days community – and that is to break old habits and start doing new things. That’s just the nature of what this community is all about. You’re not going to get a lot of sympathy for “circumstances” being too difficult where you are. I know that may seem non-supportive but I really want that push to continue. I’m sure you can find acceptance and support in other places. I trust that doesn’t sound uncaring but it’s just the nature of what’s happening in this community of people who are moving forward.”
Mary did leave the 48Days.net community with a note that “The doing was more important than being whole.”
In our Coaching Mastery Program we often talk about the fact that our goal as a coach is not to make our clients feel better, but to be better.
So what do you think? Are you looking for a place where you can feel better, or be better? If you were to rank these qualities as components of the 48 Days community, what percentage focus would you want on these five elements?
- Mutual Support and Encouragement
- Challenge to learn and grow into new opportunities
- Feeling accepted and part of the team
- Community push to break current habits
- Empathy for my unique situation
I really do want your feedback on this issue. I know I push for big decisions and actions in 48 Days – is that too aggressive? Is there too much focus on doing as compared to “being whole?”
Dan, this is a really insightful post. The first thought that comes to my mind is that the 48 Days community seems to be primarily geared toward taking action and making changes. Those are wonderful things, but some people simply aren’t ready for that (I would guess Mary is a good example of that). This, to me, is the difference between counseling and coaching. Counseling is about helping people get to a place where they are emotionally/spiritually/relationally healthy. Coaching is about helping someone who is already motivated and willing to change, and who wants to take decisive action.
It appears that Mary would benefit more from a network or group that is more focused on emotional support, rather than a group that’s more high-octane and focused on taking action and making changes. 48 Days is not for everyone, and no one should feel badly about that. Not everyone is ready to become a Navy SEAL, either, but that doesn’t negate its value. Rather, it actually increases it because it’s that much more meaningful for those who participate.
That also doesn’t speak badly about people like Mary. It just means she’s not in a place emotionally, or family-wise, to to jump in at this point. I think I spent most of my 30’s like this – – generally making excuses and not ready to change!
If I were to rank the components you mentioned, I would do it this way:
Mutual Support and Encouragement – 10%
Challenge to learn and grow into new opportunities – 30%
Feeling accepted and part of the team – 20%
Community push to break current habits – 30%
Empathy for my unique situation – 10%
I would also add one more thing. Those who are most active on 48 Days seem to be people who are most comfortable with change, taking risk, and leading others. I am a “high C” on the DISC profile, so I am not always naturally comfortable with those things. That’s why the 48 Days community is so helpful – – because it helps me to not use my personality as a crutch or an excuse. But change, risk, and leadership generally do feel more natural to some personality types, and less natural to others.
I say all that because some personalities (like myself) do often need a little more encouragement, information, and support before making big changes. It’s just how we’re wired up. I don’t know if that applies to Mary, but it’s something that occurs to me in this whole discussion.
Sorry for all the comments, but your post touches on several really fascinating and important ideas!
Kent,
Thanks so much for your input. Yes, it’s a tough issue – but like buying a car, there are many choices. And it just so happens the 48Days.net community is indeed “high octane.”
And that’s exactly why it has been so helpful to me. 🙂
Dan, this situation is a dicey dynamic but as a leader I would have responded the same way. I cannot speak to Mary’s personal situation or the specifics of why she felt challenged which might help with her personal situation. I will say though that I have observed many people in twenty years of leading and managing. Many people that I see fail to reach their potential is because they are “stuck” but it is often by choice. The person will reject the good and often same advice from multiple people that have succeeded in that area because of some psychological comfort of the stuck or bad habit. I don’t know that this statement applies to Mary because I don’t have enough information but it applies to many people. I think if your goal for the 48 Days community is to make them better, it is how you have approach it. It may seem uncaring but allowing someone to stay “stuck” is actually not caring. Just my two cents. Thanks for the thought provoking articles.
First I wanted to comment on a couple of sentences that were included in Mary’s note:
Mary said, “If your ability to ‘do’ has been in any way reduced by life circumstances, the tips in this website become moot. The goal-orientation of the people here seems to push me into doing things that I can not do given my situation. I felt pressured and alienated instead of accepted and supported.”
My perspective:
We are all in some way impacted by life circumstances at one time or another. Life can be hard; but that’s where the hope from this site comes in. It offers hope. Hope for change. Vision beyond what we are living now.
Maybe we can’t do or be what others are doing, but we can do or be something. Some little change that will help us. Some little change that puts us higher than our circumstances. This site offers hope for that because we see others living it.
We can choose whose input we take and what groups we are a part of on this site. We can choose who and what we want to focus on.
My answer to Dan’s Questions:
1. Mutual Support and Encouragement – 10%
2. Challenge to learn and grow into new opportunities – 80%
3. Feeling accepted and part of the team – 5%
4. Community push to break current habits – 5%
5. Empathy for my unique situation – 0%
Marcy – wow, I love your percentage rankings! That’s pretty close to my own.
My favorite reason to visit 48days.net is to read the stories from others who have executed a plan to do something they are excited about accomplishing. I very much enjoy the “how-to” piece of it.
I like that Dan and others are quick to point out the freedom we have to take action, that we can try whatever we wish (that’s not unethical or illegal).
I did not rank the 5 items in Dan’s post. I’ve not felt unsupported here. Frankly, I think that if I asked for something, someone would point me the right way with some helpful information.
I sympathize with Mary. I want her to find encouragement for her situation. I also like the focus and push of 48Days.net. I think Dan’s intent is truly to help.
Jim – thanks for your comments.
I love the fact that every time I log in I’m challenged to be the best me I can be, to do the best work I can do. There are too many places to feel comfortable but comfortable won’t get you to greatness!
Kimanzi,
I’ve certainly seen you taking massive ACTION. I like to think this community played some part in prodding you to do more.
It really has Dan!
Great post Dan!!
First, thank you for the 48 Days.net community! For me personally it had been life changing as the support and encouragement here has been amazing.
Certainly our situations can have a huge impact on our perceptions. Unfortunately sometimes we program ourselves to stay in victim mode versus choosing to move forward. Victim mode is usually hard to see when we are in it and it can hurt when others point out the fact that we do have a choice to move forward. Goodness knows I have had many victim type moments where I wanted to whine versus taking responsibility to improve my situation.
A possible solution for those that want more of a listening group that offers no advice is to take action to just start one. Perhaps there are others that might benefit for just posting things wanting no advice on how to move forward.
Jen – thanks for your input. Your gentle suggestion to create a group reminded me of this:
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” Drew Carey quotes
HA! I may be tucking this quote a way for future use!
If it wasn’t for the 48 Days Community and other resources like it, I would have never started my own business. I even felt like Mary when I first came in. While I was READY to make a change for the better, I also had some health issues, had just moved to a new city, and just gotten married. I had every excuse to just pursue a traditional 9-5. I felt like I found the encouragement I needed here to move forward to pursue my dreams!
Caleb – and to think how close we came to a world with no Bearded Brothers! Thanks for hanging in there.
Dan, I am convinced that 48 days.net community is the right lover for me.LOL! It is a community of rule benders, people who understand that nothing will be given to them, except they developed their innate gifts and talents to do amazing stuff. I was struck by these lines in the question you received “The goal-orientation of the people here
seems to push me into doing things that I can not do given my situation.
I felt pressured and alienated instead of accepted and supported.” To me, this individual isn’t ready for the intent behind 48 days. I have never felt pressured by anyone to do anything.However, I am have and always been challenged to take action by what I read on 48 days community. (For example, faithful listener now of John Dumas EOF- introduced by Dan). I work on my plans at my own pace, without placing a blame on any circumstance. In my view, the most dangerous situation for anyone to be in, is to be a victim and a prisoner of their circumstances.
Here is some of my advise to the listener: Enjoy being a member of 48days community and continue to read success (or failures) stories of other members, because you may learn valuable lesson that you can implement in your own life. Remember, “You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take.’-Wayne Gretzky. Hockey Hall of Fame
Solomon – thanks so much for your input here. Nope – she backed out completely. Even watching was apparently too painful.
Dan I am a member of the community who veered off on another path for a while and is now ready to reactivate her membership. As others have stated, I believe that lady was just not ready for getting beyond ‘I have so much holding me back,’ to see that you have to be willing to ‘change your attitude in order to change your circumstances.’ Been there, done that, like many others here and we will just have to pray that she grows past that and either comes back here for ‘the push,’ or finds another place to get her ‘push.’ I love it here because of ‘the push’ so please don’t change:).
Dan, I think you and your family offer up a real-life model for being whole. The sense I get from others in the 48days community is “this”–what we’re doing–is not about the work, but the life we want to create.
That said, this community isn’t a place where people feel free to say “I can’t.” It’s fine to say “I don’t want to” or “that’s not my priority,” because that’s HONEST. The reality is I’ve seen too many people with extraordinarily difficult circumstances doing more than me. “Can’t” is easily recognized by many if not most in this community as a (forgive me) whiny cop-out.
I’m not unsympathetic to the “should-y” feeling that surfaces when you see what others are doing. I wrote a blog post right after Kent Julian announced his next Write It Forward event because my initial reaction was, “I should be doing THAT.” I get it. But that doesn’t mean Kent should hold back from being completely awesome. Those “should-y” feelings are an issue we all have to deal with. My way of dealing was to refocus on what I really want to do and to remember that isn’t Kent or anyone else is doing. Instead of feeling bad, I feel fantastic because I clarified exactly what I want my own events to be about… So thanks, Kent 😉
Last thing… this group is amazing at encouragement, support, brainstorming for ideas, helping people see past their circumstances. I’m grateful for it.
Erin – thanks so much for your input here. The consensus is pretty clear. People want the “push” to continue. Thanks for your confirmation.
That’s an odd view… in all of my communications with the Millers AND in the 48days site, I have found nothing but encouragement to be a well rounded (whole) person — financially, physically, personally, family, spiritual, social, last but not least, yes, career too. That IS wholeness, No? Marilyn Magallanes, @mamm1
Marilyn – thanks so much for your comments. I certainly hope the push we provide is for more than just “doing.”
1. Community push to break current habits
2. Challenge to learn and grow into new opportunities
3. Feeling accepted and part of the team
4. Mutual Support and Encouragement
5. Empathy for my unique situation
I re-numbered your list in the order of what I want from the community. #1 and #2 are what make this such a awesome community. #3,#4 & #5 are the byproduct of the quality of people here. Every group I have been involved with exceeds this list.
I agree with Roy. I really want to be pushed. I want to be held accountable and challenged.
Dan, you keep pushing! Those who want to move will move. They’ll seize their future and fight like a Spartan to make it happen. Those who don’t want to move won’t. They’ll cling to their excuses and like an anchor their excuses will hold them in place forever.
Dan – I’m not a frequent visitor (something I’m going the change) but I come here to learn new ideas and to get motivated by the aggressiveness of the community. I value the feedback I get from the community to be honest and straight forward. I like Roy’s ranking of the list. Keep up the good work and thanks for all you are doing.
You (and the community) push BECAUSE you care. Love means wanting the best for others. And true Love means taking action. Way to have a strong CORE.