Does this seem like an impossible combination to you? Is it an oxymoron – words that combine contradictory terms? We recognize oxymorons in terms like: living dead, organized mess, alone in a crowd, jumbo shrimp, hot ice, cruel kindness, plastic glasses, pretty ugly, just war, or a real phony. You get the idea. But what about Desirable Difficulties?
This week in my podcast I had multiple questions about unexpected challenges: a dad who has a child with signs of autism, a mom who wants to start her own business but now finds herself living in Thailand because of her husband’s work, a gentleman who shared “I just got fired today from my company.” Are these insurmountable obstacles or could they be in fact “desirable difficulties?”
Two psychologists, Robert and Elizabeth Bjork, maintain that there are in fact “desirable difficulties.” Here are some examples:
- Robin Williams saw words upside down and backwards. When other kids in school think you’re an idiot, you try to do funny things to create some social esteem.
- Chris Gardner’s wife left him, he lost his house, his bank account, and credit cards, lived on the streets with his son and ended up as a super successful stockbroker.
- As a child, Harrison Ford was targeted by bullies. As a poor student he signed up for drama class, hoping for an easy good grade.
The Bjorks have shown that introducing certain difficulties into the learning process can greatly improve long-
term retention of the learned material. And they add, “We often seek to eliminate difficulties in learning to our own detriment.”
In his book, David and Goliath, author Malcolm Gladwell says we’ve been mislead in how we view “disadvantages.” Conventional wisdom tells us that a difficulty is something to be avoided – that it is a setback that leaves you worse off than you would be otherwise.
But people with dyslexia grow up to be the Richard Bransons and Thomas Edisons of the world. David Neeleman, CEO of JetBlue, has publicly acknowledged his AD/HD and has chosen not to take medication for AD/HD. He has instead learned how to use his “unique brain wiring” to his advantage, now that he better understands it.
I grew up with no running water in our house until I was in the 8th grade. We had no radio or TV. I was not allowed to go to movies, dances or sporting events. Most Christmases I got a new pair of blue jeans as my one gift. My parents contributed nothing to my college education. Were those “disadvantages” or were they “desirable difficulties?”
The stories of people overcoming difficulties are endless. Aron Ralston survived a climbing accident which ended with him amputating his own right arm. He now has a bestselling book, a movie and is in high demand as a motivational speaker. Bethany Hamilton survived a shark attack but had her left arm bitten off. She has written two books, was featured in the movie Soul Surfer and has been a guest on Good Morning America, The Tonight Show and The Oprah Winfrey Show. While we would never wish this kind of difficulty on ourselves or others, why is it that challenges often seem to springboard someone past those living a normal, difficulty-free life?
Even as I write this I’m confused by the seeming contradictoriness of it all. As a parent I don’t want my children to experience difficulty, I don’t want my wife to suffer in any way, and in my coaching I help people build lives of success and prosperity. But at what point does protecting them from challenges limit the push to their greatest achievements?
So how are you handling the “desirable difficulties” in your life? Are you avoiding them at all costs, seeing them as a waiting pattern until “things” get better, and wishing you had a life with no stress or hardship? Or have you found the value, the surge of power, the new insights, the profound desire – that could only have shown up with the difficulty?
Dan, sometimes as a mom I struggle with this. Looking back on our own lives, I realize that the greatest things that have happened have been a result of having adversity along the way – just beyond pain and darkness lies such beautiful fields that can flourish into things we can’t even imagine. In thinking of the future of our kids, it is difficult to wish that really difficult struggles will be on their path, however also know that is how they will become stronger. Certainly don’t want them to grow up to be uncaring people who suck the life out of society, but also don’t wish them painful experiences. When they were little, I purposely let them fail at things – I didn’t set them up for failure, however didn’t go out of my way to catch them when it wasn’t life threatening or hurting someone else. We also have been very open and honest in sharing our own struggles in real time with the kids so they realize the power of working together as a family. Our hope is that by letting them fail at the little things in life will help them win at the big things and also to know that when we fail, there is such an opportunity for growth.
Thank you for sharing this post. We all hit those bottom times in life and it the inspiration and hope you give to people is really a gift. Thank you!!!
This is perfect, and very along the lines with what I would say. I was going to quote my favorite thing that was on our wall in our house growing up: “There are two lasting gifts we can give our children: one is roots, the other, wings.” I think as much as we aim for success, failure always has its way of sneaking in. It’s in those moments that we learn about our true character, we modify and grow, and we rise above. I think a desirable difficulty could be anything that crosses our path that challenges us – we never seek them out, but they will always find us!
Ashley,
Yeah – it’s easy to want the smooth path for ourselves and certainly for our children. And yet we see that the rough places bring valuable lessons that could not be learned just by reading or hearing.
Greetings Dan,
“Desirable difficulties” can give us many things, determination, tenacity and just plain fierce will. For me, reading your article caused me to take a minute and think about my path early in life. I was recently talking to my mom who said of me as a teen, you definitely had your own mind and nothing was going to get in your way. I find myself missing that guy. It seems that relative comfort and perhaps complacency have helped me be less equipped to handle the past few challenging years. My mantra once was knock me down, I’m going to get up, dust myself off and go forward faster and harder. Thanks for helping me take pause and think about this in hopes of finding some of that old relentlessness.
Paul,
Ah yes, being in our “comfort zone” can keep us from releasing our greatest gifts.
Hi Dan,
Powerful post here.
I have had a health issue since August that has been difficult. Interestingly, it has helped me develop in the areas of patience, gratitude, and love for others, plus it has forced me to eat A LOT healthier, and I have been able to drop down to a weight I’ve desired to get down to for years. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and would avoid it if I could, yet I can see these positive fruits like you talk about. Your article is right, difficulties can be desirable, but they only become desirable in hindsight.
Thanks for giving me a dose of strength, appreciation and faith tonight.
Matthew
Matthew – oh you are so right. We only see the “desirable” part in retrospect. Going through it is typically something we don’t like. Thanks for sharing your experience.