Self-defeating actions will continue to give us self-defeating results.
I love to hear David Letterman give his Words of Wisdom from Dr. Phil. The clips are absolutely hilarious. While the segments are funny when taken out of context, Dr Phil has made a national reputation for himself in providing no-nonsense advice on a variety of topics. And I have found his books to be surprisingly solid and full of direct, take-responsibility principles.
Three years ago I met with Bill, a frustrated on-the-road salesman. He knew he was off track and we laid out a plan for his exit and redirection to a more suitable and fulfilling career path. Two weeks ago Bill came in to see me again. He is still working in the same job, is even more frustrated and is now experiencing shortness of breath and chest pains. Dr. Phil’s standard question comes to me often in these situations: “So, how’s that working for you?”
Why do we continue to do what is frustrating and unfulfilling? Once we know our gifts, we have the responsibility to exercise those gifts for our own betterment and for the lives of those around us. I believe we have not only the opportunity but the accountability to live lives of fulfillment and accomplishment. I fear standing in front of God on the Day of Judgment having squandered my talents and abilities.
“I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” St. Paul
The modern definition of “insanity” is to continue doing what we’ve always done, and yet to expect different results. But no, different results always require different actions.
I always wonder what a person has been thinking in the time between clearly understanding self-defeating behavior and the time when they decide to take action to correct it. Why would anyone continue to go to a job where they are belittled, underpaid and dishonored? Why would someone continue to do something physically that was shown to be destroying their health? Why would a husband continue to criticize and condemn his wife and then watch her recoil and cringe at his approach? Why don’t we all move directly toward healthier relationships, fulfilling work and meaningful relationships, once we know the path? Why would any of us purposely choose misery over the possibility of joy and victory?
In defending the sameness of negative actions I can hear Dr. Phil’s question resonating: “So, how’s that working for you?”
From the Bible:
“As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” Proverbs 26: 11
I’m in the same place..read and read so much of your material. You ask why..lack of confidence, belief. I’ve struggled to figure out what my gifts are. I think I have a couple but don’t know what to do with it. Add to that, finding the time to put legs on it. Also, when you’re stuck in a rut, it does affect your health, leaving you with not much energy-a vicious cycle. I realize this sounds like excuses but it’s a fact for me..and I’ve been trying to break the cycle.
Van, being in the situation you are in can be very discouraging, however there are always a few things you can do to get moving in the right direction.
Start simple, Find something that you can change, anything, find one thing at first write it down and stick to it. day after day, and you will begin to find that you are adding new things to the list and you are doing all of them consistently.
you will find your confidence building and your ability to see your circumstances with new light. good luck if you want something else to read try this. http://www.discoverthepoweroftoday.com/blog-2/
I’ve been there too. One days just leads to the next.
Here is what has worked for me.
Try exercise, it can be an instant confidence builder.
Also, update your resume, you may realize just how talented, and experienced you really are.
When things got bad, I cleaned out my office of personal things, it detached my personal life, and worth, from the job. It also was kinda like pretending that I quit, which was fun. (don’t tell anybody!)
I even wrote out my resignation letter, It was pretty ugly, but cleansing in a way. (It wasn’t the nice one that I eventually used though.)
And finally, I took a couple of days off, and sat at home, and tried to feel what it would be like if I had quit. It wasn’t so bad.
This, for me, was about a two year process.
It is the beat-down that takes away your confidence, and energy to change, but not feeling like you have any options is the worst.
Change that, and the whole equation changes. Build back your spirit one brick at a time, and it will give you the energy to do the rest, because forming better options takes energy, and confidence.
Spring is a wonderful time to quit a job by the way.
Best wishes!
Spring, indeed, is a wonderful time to quit. I worked for the same company for 12 1/2 years. I quit in May of last year. Everything in Dan’s post regarding being belittled, underpaid and dishonored resonates with my experience. The belittling I experienced was not blatant like verbal abuse but rather an insidious process that progressed over the years. It manifested itself in the form of gradually getting paid less, not being given consideration for promotion and an overall poorly organized management team that lacked stability. I worked with a couple of colleagues who had been with the company over 20 years and watched them go as they were dishonorably laid off. That is the ultimate denigration. There is a double standard. Loyal people putting 20 years of their life into a company can be summarily dismissed in a day but when an employee decides to leave he/she is expected to provide the courtesy of 2 weeks notice. By May of last year I had decided enough was enough. I didn’t give my company the courtesy of 2 weeks notice. I told my boss “I’ve had it!”, simply waved goodbye and walked out. The past 9 months have been scary but liberating at the same time. Last August I started a commercial loan brokering business with a partner. We have managed to work on some pretty big deals, some international, helping businesses obtain financing. We are 6 months into our business and have made some small profits but almost every week we meet new prospects and look forward to what lays ahead this year. I wish I had taken this step to be my own boss sooner. Looking back now at 38 years of age, I realize I was just a 25 year old kid that was willing to sell himself short and take any job offer I got. That is how I got stuck in that rut for over 12 years. At that time I was overcoming some personal tragedies in my life and I guess my esteem was low. But now I am excited about the future. Being in business for yourself is a rollercoaster no doubt full of the metaphorical ups and downs, and uncertainty. I have no safety net of a weekly paycheck. But at a wiser 38 I realize the job and steady paycheck I had was all a facade that led to complaceny and inaction. Yeah, Spring is an ideal time to do some spring cleaning, not just your garage but your career. Good luck to everyone out there!
Dan, I like reading your posts because they make you think. When I read this post, I was reminded of struggles that I have gone through as well as others that I have mentored or managed. I think most people make changes when the pain of staying where they are at finally overwhelms their fear of whatever they have not done or the comfort of staying in that box. Many times we know what we should do but let the resistance stop us. It is spot on when you say different results call for different actions.
Amen Brother Dan!!! That pretty much sums it up.