Joanne and I visited an artists’ conference recently. The room was filled with well-known and talented musicians and for the
concluding evening session, a variety of those were invited up to play or sing. However, the talent was somewhat obscured as each artist, without exception, apologized in advance for what they were about to offer. These are actual quotations I heard in the course of this one short program:
- “I haven’t played the piano for several years now.”
- “I’ve been struggling with my voice not being strong.”
- “I wrote this song but a better songwriter could probably do something more.”
- “We’re having trouble getting the microphones set up for both our voices.”
- “I didn’t really have time to practice for this.”
- “I’m sorry, I sing mostly for kids.”
I fully expected the next person to apologize for the “C” she got in high school history and for not plucking her eyebrows that morning. It seemed the real performance was to see who could outdo the previous presenter in apologies.
Why do we start any personal presentation with an apology for what we are going to deliver? I know it seems like humility but it serves no one. If you really don’t believe your presentation is worth hearing then please just ask to not perform. And false humility is a dangerous practice in which the person degrades himself in the hope that others will compliment and build him up. There is little to be gained by apologizing and it instantly damages your credibility with the audience. If you apologize for not being an expert, for example, your audience will question why they are listening to you. If you apologize for not being prepared or not being your best physically, those listening have been alerted they will not be getting your best.
Here are 10 tips from Toastmasters International that can be applied to singing, speaking, showing your art, or teaching a Sunday School class:
- Know your material.
- Practice. Practice. Practice!
- Know the audience.
- Know the room.
- Relax.
- Visualize yourself giving your speech.
- Realize that people want you to succeed.
- Don’t apologize for any nervousness or problem – the audience probably never noticed it.
- Concentrate on the message – not the medium.
- Gain experience.
I apologize for not having 11 tips – I’m not sure 10 is (or should that be are?) adequate. If I could only learn to be more like Jesus I would have had 12. I was going to come up with at least one more but I didn’t sleep well last night, we just got back from a trip late last night, this is allergy season, the squirrels disturbed my thinking on my walk to my office, a black cat walked across my path on the way over here, plus I was never good at math. I really am sorry – please forgive me.
How are you apologizing for your “art”?
Love this post – why do we feel like we are anything less than the best we can become? Two awesome quotes on these lines:
“You are not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more
amply, with greater vision, and with finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand.” ~Woodrow Wilson
Maybe we aren’t apologizing for our faults, but in order to cover up how great we are:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson
This was a great observation and really hits home (I used #3). It makes no sense to apologize before a performance, yet there’s some insecurities that surface beforehand. It’s not the professional way. Could you imagine Babe Ruth apologizing before he went to bat? Or Stradivarius apologizing before he made a violin? They wouldn’t apologize before or after, and most of the time Babe Ruth struck out! Thank you for pointing this out. Now I can apply the lesson and change.
Great advice I am in the middle of your book right now and loving it. Thanks for all you do.
Tanner
Fun post. Apologies would be more fun if they were in the Ashleigh Brilliant style!!
Great reminder Dan! It’s easy for me to let apologizing become a habit or a crutch to let the audience down manually before you do it with your presentation. It’s something I have to consciously work at to get right. Don’t apologize. Be confident. Thanks Dan!
There is always a reason I cannot do a “perfect” presentation. The funny thing is I weave the imperfection into the presentation to add humor. The last time I presented I had a pretty bad cold and was taking medicine which gave me a bit of medicine head. In describing this to the class I had them laughing in the first few minutes. A few weeks later I was told by someone that I was the only memorable part of the class. In other words do not use excuses to set the expectations low soyou are not criticized. Most people will not notice what you think is bad.
“Most people will not notice what you think is bad.” I was in a rock band in my younger days, so I’ve seen stuff go wrong. A friend’s 14-y/o son takes piano lessons and has played a few recitals. I’ve tried to make him understand this: YOU might know you screwed up a note. Your BANDMATES might know that you screwed up. But 99% of the time, the audience doesn’t have a CLUE. Plus, they want you to succeed!
I love the Am Sorry bit. My job constitute with am sorry and in the background I play the Brenda Lee song, “I’m sorry”. You have to have humor and people love to hear you say those words. But yes that advise about starting with an apology is not a good thing.
I think apologizing sometimes is done for the appearance of humility which isn’t sometimes needed unless you seem arrogant in other ways. I found this article interesting.
I was at a ladies’ retreat last year and listened to 4 speakers. Except for one, all of them got up and the first thing they said was an apology for being nervous. The one who didn’t apologize started her speech immediately with a story that got the audiences attention. Which one has been asked to speak at numerous events since and asked to teach bible classes? You can guess it. An interesting side note: The one who didn’t apologize was by far the youngest speaker there.
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I agree, I always say if you don’t want others to say those things about you, then its not humility.
I went to see a friend play the other night. The sound guy just wasn’t getting things right. My friend and the band were getting frustrated. His promoter was expecting him to just walk off the stage. It was tense for a few songs, especially for those of us who know him. He was about to apologize, maybe even quit, then he just smiled out at everyone and said, “We came here to play, and that’s just what we are going to do. Are you ready?!” Everybody screamed, and they played for 4 hours straight.
After reading this, I’m even more proud how he handled things.
Not that badly I hope. Thanks for a good reminder with a little levity. I got a good laugh and insight about how self-abasement comes off to others. Take care.
lol! That’s awesome. And point taken…
I’m sorry for the short comment, but I have a lot on my schedule today. I just wanted to say how much I agree with your points. Great, great points. Sorry for the two “greats,” too. I wasn’t sure how to better emphasize how great it was. Ok, sorry, but I have to run.
🙂
Dan
What an awesome post and reminder to get over ourselves and get on with uncovering our greatness versus mucking it up with our own unsecurities that no one else really cares about.
Thank you!
Jen
Hahaha – GREAT post Dan!
Interesting post. Someone once told me if you can’t believe in yourself, stop wasting your time trying to convince others to believe in you. Apologizing is limiting belief.
An excellent post! I did my first songwriter’s night years ago when I was about 45 years young, and it was the first and last time I apologized in advance for any performance (but at least I was being honest). I told the audience ” I have two dreams in life – to be drafted by the 49’ers and to be able to carry a tune when I sing. Unfortunately for you, I have a better shot at getting drafted by the 49’ers.” Couldn’t even blame the squirrels for that one.
Steven – oh my gosh – that’s pretty brutal. I trust you’ve lightened up on yourself since then.
Great post. If a person is unprepared and/or knows nothing about his subject, the audience will figure that out pretty quickly. No need to tell them in advance. We are all ignorant of something. If the speaker knows even a little more than most in his audience, he is in control. Tell what you know that others may not and you will come away a winner. Focus on the other person getting what you have to offer and forget about them focusing on you. I’m sorry ………
Dan – yes. In fact, I wrote an article for Toastmasters Magazine in Jan that spoke to this exact thing. “Fake it Till You Make It.” An apology really feels like a request for low expectations. In the bid to sell yourself, always start high! http://magazines.toastmasters.org/publication/?i=189911
Nathan,
Oh I love that – “An apology really feels like a request for low expectations.” So true
Love this post and it is so true.
In my leadership keynote I do a segment where I say “if you are not prepared, if you are not qualified, if you are not confident, three things occur.”
I then act like I can’t remember the three things. I rummage through index cards in my pocket, I even ask the audience to hold on, I have them in my phone. As I pull my phone out, I act like I remember. “Oh yeah, the three things that occur if you’re not prepared, qualified or confident; it makes you appear incompetent , it hurts your credibility and it makes the people counting on you very, very uncomfortable ………… doesn’t it?” I normally then ask this to the person that hired me. They are normally nodding, laughing, wiping their forehead and saying wheeew. You can tell, this is 60 seconds of pure agony and frustration for an audience but it sure gets the point across.
Your post brought this back to light and I will make sure I do this in all programs. Thanks for the reminder.
Don’t worry Dan… We’ll continue to pray that something will eventually catch on for you? 🙂
Of course, then, I will have to apologize to God for asking Him for something.
This reminds me of something that happened at church yesterday.
One of Pei’s friends grew her hair out and styled it differently. When Pei went over and complimented her on the new-do, she looked down and away – perhaps apologizing (nonverbally) for causing attention, being attractive, spending time with her self care, etc.
As you said – It serves no one.