This is a guest post by Kimanzi Constable, a former bread delivery guy who self-published two books that have sold over 86,000 copies. In the last year he has lost 170 pounds and moved his family to Maui, Hawaii. You can usually find him writing while enjoying an ocean view. He is a published author, international speaker, and coach. He’s a contributing writer for The Huffington Post, Entrepreneur Magazine, and Mind Body Green. He is a senior editor at The Good Men Project. His mission is to help men and women create true freedom in life. Join him at KimanziConstable.com and on Facebook at Kimanzi Constable. If you’d like to guest post on this blog, check out the guidelines here.
Can You Introduce Me to Pat Flynn?
The last eight months have been amazing. Wait, that’s an understatement, they’ve been incredible. I have done things I thought were impossible. You’ve probably seen my story somewhere, so I won’t bore you with it. I’ve written about it here on Dan’s blog.
In 2012 and 2013, I built an audience through guest posting. In those two years, I guest posted over 70 times. In mid 2014, I
realized my go-to strategy wasn’t effective anymore. Most large blogs don’t take unsolicited guest posts. Besides that, I wanted to take Dan’s advice and continue to think outside of the box.
I thought about where I wanted to see my writing and immediately the Huffington Post came to mind. At first, those pesky doubts creep back into my mind but I ignored them. I started to research how to contribute to the Huffington Post. I didn’t stop there.
It took a few months and some strategy, but I was able to become a contributing writer for the Huffington Post, Entrepreneur Magazine, MindBodyGreen, and the Good Men Project. I am now a senior editor at the Good Men Project. My writing has also appeared in Business Insider, Yahoo, and NBC News.
As if all of this wasn’t cool enough, a few weeks ago I had the privilege of being a guest on Smart Passive Income with Pat Flynn.
Writing for large websites had grown my email list from 3,000 people to over 17,000. I have more social media followers, and my business has doubled. Being on Pat’s show however, had unexpected results. In two weeks I’ve added over 1,600 new email subscribers and again, more business.
As you can imagine, I’ve also gotten a lot of email. In two weeks, there have been over 1,000 emails between SPI listeners and my audience. As I was going through these messages, I started to notice a pattern. It was so glaring I started to keep track.
There were a lot of questions in the emails. I put these questions in a spreadsheet as research for future content. When I got the same question, I added the numbers. Looking at the numbers, here are the top two questions:
1. Can you introduce me to an editor at the Huffington Post? (In 836 emails)
2. Can you introduce me to Pat Flynn? (In 721 emails)
When asking hurts you
I know how frustrating it can be building a business. It took four years and a lot of tears to get here. One thing that I’ve learned along the way is that your ask can’t exceed the relationship.
I was at a conference last year and heard a speaker explain this eloquently. She asked a guy in the audience his first name. He said it was Mike. She then said, “It’s nice to meet you Mike, can I kiss you on the lips?” The crowd erupted into laughter.
She went on to say that this is what we do with relationships, and especially with other entrepreneurs. We haven’t connected with them at all, yet we ask them for information they either paid to learn, or took years to figure out. We are essentially asking for that kiss on the lips.
It would be nice if someone could introduce you to an editor or Pat Flynn, but not if your relationship with that person isn’t developed to that level. I have never met these people who are emailing, never had any interaction with them. Our first interaction is their asking me to give them a shortcut that took four years to achieve.
Most of those emails got deleted. Not because I’m a jerk, but because they want that “kiss on the lips.” I’ve even had some A-Listers—who I’ve never talked to—ask for an introduction. One of them tried to take advantage of me.
How to connect and build
There’s a better way to connect with successful entrepreneurs. It starts with studying and applying their free content. They work hard to produce that free content, and are impressed and happy when you use it successfully. Buy one of their courses. Show them you understand the value of what they provide. While everyone else is trying to “kiss them on the lips,” you are separating yourself by showing how much you value what they do.
Use their content and share it. Thank them publicly and tell them what results you’ve gotten. When I say publicly, I mean using social media. Successful entrepreneurs get hundreds of emails, and most of them as self-serving. Tweet to them. Comment on their Facebook fan page. Leave a meaningful comment on their blog. Make it brief but powerful.
Try to establish a relationship. I’m not saying you have to be their best friend, but you have to build some familiarity. Don’t approach influencers the way everyone else does.
Use the same principles you’ve used in romantic relationships. Start with a conversation either online, or at a conference. Shake their hand, exchange a hug. Build from there- that kiss will show up.
Great Post Kimanzi. There simply is no substitute for consistent hard work.
Amen sir!
What a wonderful peek-a-boo into how success influences many who witness it. WOW! btw…can you introduce me to your wife? 😉 hehe (I’m joking, of course, but her perspective on your amazing journey would be interesting, indeed!)
Mahalo Mary, so glad our paths crossed!
Can you connect me with Kimanzi? LOL
I think we are…. 🙂
Great post Kimanzi. I could not agree more. This phenomenon seems to be prevalent in the online world. I appreciate you bringing it to the limelight. Let’s remember, there is a huge offline world. I would never dare ask someone for a favor I just met at a networking event. It is simply not done. It may even come across as disrespectful. Let’s apply the same common sense to the online world. Kudos to you Kimanzi. You deserve the handsome payoff produced by hard work.
Leo, you’re a living example of how to do it right!
Thanks Kimanzi. I appreciate that. I am glad I’m on the right path…. 🙂
Bam!
It’s funny how when we read someone’s work online we think we know them well enough to ask for something like the proverbial “kiss on the lips”. Somehow we think if we shortcut the process it will bring us the success we see in others that we want ourselves. While I would love to have someone introduce me to Pat Flynn or John Lee Dumas I would rather work my way to that point that I’m in the same or similar circles as they are. Thanks so much for the great post Kimanzi!
That’s the best way to build. The intro would be nice, but there are other ways!
Great post Kimanzi – serving and sharing is an excellent way to not only connect, but a great way to venture out into collaborative future relationships.
Amen Jen, you do that so well 🙂
Stick-to-it-tiveness in serving others. That’s the secret sauce.
Amen sir. That’s what I’ve learned from you!
I love this post Kimanzi, so true! I couldn’t agree more. The kiss on the lips is the best way I’ve ever heard of this “what can you do for me attitude” that abounds sometimes in the online space. Bravo for calling it out!!!
Too many people think that way. We have to build real relationships!
Congrats for the extra 1600+ subscribers. Abundance brings abundance, just have to get the train going, huh!
Thanks for your inspiring story!
Mahalo Tanel, Pat has an engaged audience!
I had someone ask me to recommend them to others for a service I never used based on one that I did. However, the one that I did use did not make me want to recommend them for the one that I didn’t.
In addition to creating relationships with an influencer, you also have to provide great service for your clients if you want them to introduce you to other potential clients.
Great article. (Loved the kiss analogy :^)
Very well said Eva, it works both ways!
The short cut always takes the longest time to get through. I’ve been a photography mentor for years, and a while back I was approached by someone wanting to jump into the business and “cash in”, in her words. “How many sessions until I’m a great photographer?” she asked impatiently. I made a joke that I’ve been doing it for fifteen years and I’ll let her know when I get there. I never heard back from her.
Congratulations on your success, Kimanzi! I know how hard you have worked to get here! I’m very impressed and happy for you!
Mahalo Vincent. I love your response and that shows what she really wanted.
Well said, Kimanzi. It’s been a blessing to have met you when I did and to have watched your journey. You’ve certainly been working your tail off.
Mahalo Jody 🙂 I’m really glad we met!
Some day we shall run a marathon together.
Here in Maui?
Sure. Or maybe a you, Tanya, Steve, and I could train for and do a triathlon together in Maui. You can invite Pat since he’s into triathlon nowadays. 🙂
Nice post Kimanzi,
One would be wise to take your advice. I recall being asked for “a kiss on the lips” in business by someone I did not know. They essentially wanted to leverage my position and influence in my company for their benefit. That really rubbed me the wrong way. As you say, relationships take time, progress takes work. It seems that attempted short cuts often create damage. No such thing as something for nothing.
A real life example of what I’m talking about! Thank you for sharing brother.
Kimanzi – as you already know, I love this post. Dave Ramsey and I have been friends for over 25 years. We met back when we were both trying to figure out what we were going to do when we grew up. We’ve watched our kids grow up and shared a million ideas along the way. If I had a nickel for every time someone has asked me to introduce them to Dave I’d buy a Ferrari and a lifetime gift card for Taco Bell.
Taco Bell? Really? I get the Ferrari, but Taco Bell. 😉 I hope you’ve recovered from your cruise, Dan.
Jody – hey I have 12 grandkids – all vegetarians.
Kevin, Jared, and Ashley know what’s up! 😉 You’ve raised smart kids.
Haha! Thanks so much for running it and running my very first guest post. It seems like just yesterday 🙂
Yes, all about relationships! I really believe that the most important thing on earth is the relationships we build with each other, and how we treat each other. Through your website, Dan, I was able to begin coaching with Jevonnah Ellison, and that’s something she mentioned right up front. It’s important to build those relationship and to offer value and support to the people you admire and respect. We’re talking about the long game here, not a short term shortcut to take advantage of someone else’s success. Love this post!
Great post Kimanzi! I am so glad you wrote this. Another type of question we sometimes get is “so how did you do that”… as if there is a trick I can share in 10 minutes!
I think before we ask a question like “can you introduce me to pat”
1. We need to understand there is HAAAARRRD work behind every single success;
2. We need to learn to ask better questions.
BTW, I see a course coming Kimanzi – how to build relationship and increase publicity 🙂
Great post Kimanzi! I am so glad you wrote this. Another type of question we sometimes get is “so how did you do that”… as if there is a trick I can share in 10 minutes!
I think before we ask a question like “can you introduce me to pat”
1. We need to understand there is HAAAARRRD work behind every single success;
2. We need to learn to ask better questions.
BTW, I see a course coming Kimanzi – how to build relationship and increase publicity 🙂
Very well said Pei! You connect with people so well, it’s been fun learning from the Joel and Pei team all these years. Course? You may be right 🙂
You can argue all you want but we learn from YOU big time 🙂
🙂
As usual Kimanzi at his best.
Mahalo Alta 🙂
That’s about the best post on this subject I’ve ever seen. I work in a downtown environment where people are always asking for money. I feel the same exact way about that – If I knew you, I might help but some people just want me to part with my $$$ for nothing then go away. I learned something from reading this about how it feels to have something of value that other people want. I have not been guilty of asking for a lot of things, but I certainly will be more thoughtful next time that I have the urge to ask, and make sure that I feel ‘worthy of the ask’ before I do so. Thanks!
It’s all about building that relationship Joe! Glad you enjoyed the post. Dan said (below) that he has had a similar experience.
Love the post Kimanzi. I once heard Chris Brogan similarly refer to this kind of behavior as, upon meeting someone for the first time, choosing to stick your tongue in their mouth as opposed to shaking their hand. Needless to say, it doesn’t leave a good taste in one’s mouth, figuratively AND literally.
That’s great! Jeff, you do an amazing job building relationships and connecting.
Awesome post, Kimanzi. Having integrity in building relationships is so important. Seeking to serve, rather than be served, is where it starts.
You do it so well, I’ve been really learning a lot from you 🙂
You’re so kind, Kimanzi. Thank you!
🙂
Great insight Kimanzi! Love that phrase “your ask can’t exceed the relationship.” I’ve admittedly been one of those asking first for the “kiss” in the past, but I’ve seen the light in recent months. Thanks for also highlighting the amount of time, hard work and strategy shifts that you’ve had to make in your journey to get to where you are today. I’m a new entrepreneur and blogger myself and helps reinforce that I have to continue to work hard if I’m to have an impact. And all the things I’m learning from you, Dan and others is helping me work smart! Thanks!
Aloha Tyler! Glad you enjoyed and got value from the post. Tell me about your blog and the new journey you’re on?
In short, after a “successful” 20+ yr corporate career chasing something I never quite defined, I was unexpectedly laid off. After hitting bottom emotionally and really looking inward, I began to discover what was really important to me. Over the past several months, I’ve been writing about this experience and what I’ve learned along the way on my blog at tylercbeaty.com. My goal to help others who find themselves in similar circumstances and who want something better in life but aren’t sure where to start or which path to take.
Nice! I’ll check it out. Congrats on taking action!
Excellent post and very specific to me right now, as I titled this year my year of the Big Ask. Perfect advice and sure to keep me out of some trouble as I continue to ask big this year.
Great! Establishing the relationship helps 🙂
Thanks for sharing, Kimanzi. This is an awesome perspective. It’s so tempting to just fire off an email and ask for something, but I will never forget the “kiss on the lips analogy” that puts it all into perspective. I think the trouble I have in connecting with successful entrepreneurs is that I see them as too busy and successful to want to connect with me. However, in reality I know many entrepreneurs on some of the nicest people you will ever meet, especially when you have no hidden agenda other than building relationships.
You are right. They just get worn down when so many people only email to ask for something. Glad it could help Chris!
Kimanzi, this seems like such a basic concept, but many people (myself included) fall into the trap consistently. Thank you for the reminder. I look forward to learning more about your journey!
Mahalo Kevin and so glad you found the article helpful 🙂
Wow – what a powerful article. ‘The ask can’t exceed the relationship’. This is a mantra I’m going to live by from here on. I have been guilty these past months of making asks that exceeded my relationships. Often, as we get nervous about growing our businesses, we think we have to find some kind of shortcut. I’ve been doing this, and I’ve got to stop. There’s not shortcut to anywhere worth going. I have to remember that.
Thanks for this reminder Kimanzi.
Joshua, can I ask the results you’ve been getting? Just curious. Glad you found the post helpful.
Sure! My results have reflected exactly what you mention here. When my ask doesn’t exceed the relationship (e.g. if I’ve helped them out in the past, shared their content, etc..) I’m accepted with open arms for guest posting. If I try to overshoot myself, I’m shut down and left with a feeling that I asked before giving. Give before you ask, give without expectation of reward, and don’t ask beyond your relationship. These are definitely keys to genuine and authentic growth of your message.
Thanks Josh 🙂
This post is brilliant Kimanzi, I love the example of the ‘kiss on the lips’. I find it unusual why people think its ok to do that online when they would not do it in real life. Ever since graduating from university i have built relationships with people whether it was in my job or now in my business. In fact all of my jobs were secured through networking and building meaningful relationships with people and first giving value rather than expecting something in return. There’s no shortcut to building relationship’s it’s a long process but a rewarding one. Many of my current friendships are exactly through doing that. If you respect others they will respect you.
Thanks