Joanne and I have a tradition of watching the 1994 movie Little Women while we put up our Christmas tree and decorations. Jo (Winona Ryder), the main character, is a creative, energetic young woman who is finding it difficult to do the normal things in that town and culture. Fortunately, she has an insightful and understanding mother (Susan Sarandon).
After having just rejected a marriage proposal from her long time boyfriend, Jo verbalizes her
exasperation with herself. “There is something wrong with me. I’ll never fit in anywhere.” To which her mother gently replies, “You have so many extraordinary gifts. How could you expect to lead an ordinary life?….
I love those words of wisdom. What a blessing to have a mother with that kind of insight, a mother who validates her daughter’s uniqueness rather than squashing it. Do you have someone in your life who encourages your unique gifts? Someone who knows you’ll never live an “ordinary life?” Or are you still experiencing pressure to do what is “practical and realistic?” Do you find if difficult to “fit in?” If so, maybe you just need to stop expecting to lead an ordinary life.
I grew up on a farm in Ohio, just outside a little town that to this day does not have a traffic light. The expectation was that I would do the normal thing – marry a local girl and continue farming. But I could “see” more than milking cows and throwing hay bales. As a little boy I envisioned being other places and doing “work” that rewarded thinking and writing rather than just raw physical effort. Fortunately I found books that supported my dreams and visions and I found a way to not be normal.
“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he had imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” — Henry David Thoreau
In the movie, Jo’s mother continued with “Go embrace your liberty and see what wonderful things come of it.” Maybe your destiny is not to accept an “ordinary life,” with ordinary success, income and sense of fulfillment. Perhaps your path is to explore, create, embrace and follow the road less traveled and live a truly extraordinary life.
Do you find it difficult to fit in? Can you identify your extraordinary gifts that make it challenging to be normal?
PS. Today is the first official opening for registration for our Innovate conference in March – this event focuses specifically on the “Creatives” who may not fit into a traditional mold. I’d love to meet you there! Learn more about Innovate here
I am one of those people that does not fit in with “ordinary” people. I cannot stand to watch sports and I am constantly interested in learning something new and growing myself. A lot of people think I am crazy. To remedy “not fitting in” I have found people that I do fit in with and that will help me grow.
Josh Bulloc
Kansas City, MO
How can I help?
I’ve always encouraged my two sons to not give in to peer-pressure, to not want what their friends have, in a sense; to not worry about “fitting in.” Rather, I’ve tried to teach them to be the one to start that new trend for their friends to follow. Maybe I should take my own advice, because in most cases I sure don’t fit in.
Yeah in our house it was always a kiss of death when our kids said – “everyone else is doing it.” We’ve always believed that “normal” is not very desirable.
Me, Too!! started college in engineering (only 2 females in the class), finished in chemistry, 30 years teaching chemistry in the same classroom (34 years total), retired, didn’t like it, back to teaching, learned a new content, going to teach biotech next year . . . tall, nerdy, . . . I get misread by people all the time . . . have finally learned that as far as being liked and accepted by others … some will some won’t so what what’s next?
“Do you find it difficult to fit in?” Uh….yep. 😉
PS That Thoreau quote is one I keep above my kitchen sink.
Dan, you are a very special person, with many gifts. I always enjoy reading what you have to say. I think that I don’t fit in, but, it sounds like it is a good thing!
Dan, thanks as always for the encouragement. Do you know of some good web sites to find info about continuing education or career workshops, positive speakers appearances, etc? You say often on your podcast that you go to these. Sorry if I missed this information somewhere already on your site. Thanks.
Abby – here are some of the blogs I get – that keep me informed:
http://sethgodin.typepad.com/ — Seth Godin
http://michaelhyatt.com/ — Mike Hyatt
http://chrisguillebeau.com/3×5/ — Chris Guillebeau
http://www.chrisbrogan.com/ — Chris Brogan
http://donmilleris.com/ — Donald Miller
http://www.mondaymorningmemo.com/ — Roy H. Williams
Here is a line from Measure for Measure by Bill Shakespeare:
“Our doubts are as traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.”
Somewhere I betrayed this idea and forced myself to “fit” into the corporate culture….
DON’T DO IT!! Be faithful to who God made you to be!
On the road…
rob
During my 30 year marriage, I had 14 different jobs, and tried 3 or 4 different businesses. I used to joke with my husband that, “at least I’m not changing husbands.” After being widowed 3 years ago, I moved to another state and tried to fit in at a retail business. They loved me, but I couldn’t stay knowing there is something else out there for me. And right now that’s grandmother-hood, and writing. I believe the adage, “do what you love and the money will follow.” I just left that retail job and am beginning the new phase, and am loving it! The income will follow, eventually.
I’ve spent my life feeling like I don’t fit in, and haven’t understood it fully. This article has given me a new view. Thank you! However I would like to find my tribe. How do I do that?
Me too, just yesterday I was starting to feel like I don’t fit in anymore, so thank you for a timely post Dan! This encouraged me to get going. I have lots of closed minded friends and relatives with whom it is impossible to talk about a “different life”.
I did sign up for visionary mom support group for next year, which will allow me to meet other women who also don’t fit in and form friendships and get support.
Thank you, Dan. I have never lived an ordinary life — never seem to choose the easy way or fit in with the “in” crowd, but as my husband has also pointed out, why would I want to fit in? I am blessed with the life God has given me, the gifts that have been bestowed on me, and God has never steered me down a bad path. Why be normal?
Dan, love your newsletters! Thanks for this article. I adore thst movie and Jo is exactly who I think I am. I am glad to see that others do not see themselves as “fitting in”. I genuinely used to think I was in a tiny minority, because no one else talked that way. Here I am 44, single, and with a lot of opportunities if I have the courage to accept the mission!
Karen – very cool. We need more Jos in the world. I love her spirit in the movie. And yes, please do “accept your mission.” If you have the vision to see it you also have the responsibility to make it happen.
With every new temporary administrative position I take, I realize I don’t fit in where I’ve been. It’s frustrating to know that and tell others that, only to be told that I’m lucky to have any work at all in this economy. Part of me wants to do something entirely new and different in January instead of going back to the same old thing of taking care of other people’s projects and schedules for them…but I’m petrified because I need the money and this is all I can find.
I remember being in the same J.O.B. rut in the 90s (for 12 years…the final 8 REALLY were misery) and not knowing how to get out….I remember looking at the new cars exiting the car wash across the street and wondering HOW I’ll ever be able to afford nice truck….
I was employed as a tradesmen for a miserable toxic shop owner for 12 years….After about 4 years I learned all I could at that shop and should have gone out on my own….But the reality was I thought you needed retail space, a bunch of expensive machines, etc….I finally quit when the miserable toxic boss was out sick and his wife started “running” things (it was even worse)….I took a “J.O.B.” as a manager running an after school program (offered by a shop customer from the other place) which after I quit the other J.O.B. and STARTED the new one I discovered it was a JANITORIAL J.O.B.(HILARIOUS!!!) ….and on top of it I was most recent (in a very long list) of people she hired from other jobs and fired after 2-3 months so they couldn’t join the union (and not be abused by a disgusting woman on a power trip…”sadly” she had a crippling stroke a few years later)….
I got fired and came across a book “How I Made One Million Dollars Selling Home Remodeling”….I always read motivational literature to keep me going in miserable settings….This was frequently geared towards sales people and I always wanted a sales career…The bottom line is in 2001 I answered an ad in the NY Times as a home remodeling salesman…Was hired…And my income went up 500 percent that first year over my previous best year as an employed tradesman….(it was due to the mortgage and real estate boom at that time and people receiving extra money in mortgages allocated for home improvements…)….After 5 months I bought a great NEW Ford Pick-up WITH CASH….. The R.E. bubble lasted about 4 years and I eventually went back to my old trade…SELF EMPLOYED this time around….I’m still doing okay….
The bottom line is KEEP TRYING…You’ll eventually find your way….
I realized a long time ago that I don’t fit in : I’ve got incredible intelligence but I’m also athletic and I can read people so well I often know what they’re about to say before they say it. I find it ridiculously hard to work a “normal” job because I can get done in about a day what it takes most people a week to do. It’s why I had to strike out on my own. I’m still trying to find my path but I’m at least heading in the right direction.
I experienced abuse of several kinds early on in life and it has left me with issues of trust, confidence, anger, depression etc. I find it hard to deal with hypocrisy, lies and it has negatively affected my relationships both personally and in business. God has delivered me from alcohol and drug abuse for over 10 years but part of my consequences is having a felony conviction. I couldn’t get a job after that even though I had 20 successful years in Direct Mktg. I started a construction business 4 years ago and have achieved a certain level of success but the conviction still rears it’s ugly head and it’s like having a scarlet letter. I know that working for someone is not in my DNA. I beleieve i have a good story to tell and would like to learn how to write and share my story. Dan any help and guidance would be appreciated.
Hey Steve, I was viciously and destructively abused by a toxic psycho mother and had similar issues….(but thankfully no alcohol or narc issues…)…
I work for myself as a tradesman….I think that your inability “to get a job” was a major blessing in disguise…J.O.B. = Just Over Broke….
Don’t you?
Yes, I too find it hard to fit in. Whenever I try to fit in, I feel awkward and very much out of my skin. I admit that I have conformed to the “norm” by working a 9-5 because it “pays well” (whatever that means). It is only when I write, research and travel that I thrive! I now find myself in a pivotal place where I must create a career incorporating that which I am, in order to “live that I may live”. Thanks for the article, very inspiring!
Work Horse vs Race Horse
A work horse plows the field, eats out of a bucket, gets a bath when it rains, and sleeps in a drafty barn. The race horse is pampered with healthy foods, is cleaned and groomed daily, and often sleeps in shelters better that many people. So what about the horse’s owner.
When an farmer finds a good work horse, he buys a bigger plow and additional land. This horse will never see the race track, even though it is stronger and has more endurance than any race horse.
So Mr. Employer, let the work horse race. Chances are he will give you the opportunity to buy more work horses.
— Work Horse
This is a response to Karen. I am exactly in your shoes, and feel exactly the same way. Know that you are not alone. Please keep posting so that I can track you throughout the year or get in touch with me at [email protected] Thank you
I’ve had several moments where I felt like I didn’t fit in. And I, too, am blessed to have a mother that supported my unique gifts, guiding me through support and encouragement rather than stifling me with excessive and unnecessary leashes.
Brene Brown has an interesting take on “fitting in” in her book about the Gift of Insecurity where she describes the difference between fitting in and belonging and encourages people to not try to “fit in” like a square peg tightly pressed into a round hole, but rather find places they “belong” just as they are and to create home environments for children to let them know that they are worthy, that they belong, just like they are. That their love is not dependent on being something or someone else, but that they are worthy of love as they are, that they are good people, even if they sometimes make poor choices, which are not acceptable.
Nick,
You were fortunate to have a mother who embraced your being different. And I think one of our greatest privileges as parents is to help our children recognize their uniqueness.
While it’s clear how a fern will thrive much better in the forest than the desert, we often find it harder to see how this applies to our own lives.
Recently, I came across this quote by Marianne Cantwell, “Weaknesses are just strengths in the wrong environment.”
Most of us know that some of the most successful billionaires are college dropouts – Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs. What would’ve happened if these leaders chose to stick it out and fit in-to others’ ideas of success?
Can you imagine Facebook, Microsoft or Apple created by “conventional wisdom”..? Would they have turned out so extraordinary or instead watered down versions?
Contrary to what you may believe, Steve Jobs didn’t study computer science but calligraphy briefly before dropping out.
Years later using fonts is what helped to make Apple computers stand out and become market leaders for artistic users and schools. I still remember doing spreadsheets on a MS-DOS system before putting that info together on a Mac as an undergrad.
But as Jobs tells this Stanford class, we can’t connect the dots looking forward – only looking back. http://goo.gl/pViCb
Your interests are clues to where your talents lie.
While I still struggle to find my way out of the desert, I’m slowly finding the forest for my talents vs. the skills I’ve accumulated.
What’s the difference? Skills you can learn – sometimes with a lot of effort. Talents you almost do naturally and find it hard to understand what’s the big deal.
One gets you excited – flow as Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has talked about for years. Not only are you growing and learning, you feel more of who you know deep down you’re meant to be.
The other not so much..
Well-intentioned friends and critics alike are the harsh sun and barbs of your desert – those who root for you and lift you up like here at 48 days, that’s your forest.
Thanks, Dan, for helping to build this sanctuary for all of us who don’t fit in!
John,
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. If I fit in too well I’d be concerned, knowing that the most popular is seldom the best. Our children knew that the quickest way to kill their opportunity to do something was to say “everyone else is doing it.” In our house we knew if everyone else was doing it – “it” certainly wasn’t something extraordinary. Keep being different!
Well I can certainly relate to this. I have never fit in, and haven’t ever had a desire to. My biggest struggle has been to find a balance that allows me to live in the creative, imaginative, fantastical, extraordinary world that I feel and experience in my head, and trying to also be effective in the day to day life. That’s part of my journey. But I also appreciate the journey, with all it’s ups and downs. That’s where we learn and grow and are stretched.
Fortunately, I have parents that have always allowed for that, and promoted it. You guys always let us be who we are, and I believe that helped us to achieve more of our full potential than if we’d been more stifled. Thank you for that.
I’m so grateful that I’ll never be normal or conform to the masses/status quo. I can’t imagine what that might feel like. I’ll gladly take the turmoil and roller coaster ride of the extraordinary instead.
Jared – don’t start trying to be “normal” now. “You have so many extraordinary gifts. How could you expect to lead an ordinary life?…