Two weeks ago my podcast theme was Stay Away From Negative Friends. I talked about my 3-hour rule where I’ll spend 3 hours a year with negative friends but certainly not 3 days or 3 weeks on a vacation. 
Well, I knew there was the elephant in the room and didn’t address it fully. I have had a whole lot of you ask this question:
I just listened to your podcast about staying away from negative people. What if the negative person is your wife?
I got both – what if it’s my wife, and what if it’s my husband?
Some of you may be hearing:
- We can’t afford to take a risk right now.
- We don’t have the money.
- You don’t have the time.
- It can’t be done like that.
- Someone else is already doing that.
- You don’t know where to begin.
- Better be safe than sorry.
- You’re not that good.
- You’ve failed in your last 3 ideas – why would this one be different.
- You’re just a dreamer – not a doer.
- You don’t have the credentials.
- You’re not a leader.
- You can’t compete with Dave Ramsey, Michael Hyatt, Pat Flynn or John Lee Dumas.
- You’re too old – you’re too young.
- You don’t have the right degrees.
Sometimes it’s the people closest to us that want us to stay as we are. Where new growth and change may be threatening or a painful reminder to that person that they are feeling stuck.
So before Joanne and I sit down and really combine our thoughts on this, I’d like to hear from you. What are your tips for dealing with a less than supportive spouse when you are ready to pursue your dream?
I’ll share on an upcoming podcast and in a post like this as well. If you want to remain anonymous that’s fine – just let me know. You can add your comments here or email me privately at [email protected].
Thanks for your wisdom and insight on this important topic.
Many times the problem lies in not communicating openly with your spouse. Going to an event together like Coaching with Excellence with your spouse is a great way to get everyone on the same page. Your spouse wants to support you–they are likely just afraid and scared.
I agree, Jim Woods.. Coaching With Excellence is a great way to enhance the communication.
Many times their negativity comes from disappointment with themselves, others, or life in general. Communication is key and being honest with one another about the disappointments. If you have let them down in the past, then apologize. Negativity is a symptom of a bigger root problem and sometimes it takes some digging to get to the root. If their negativity is only towards you then there is most likely hurt, anger, unforgiveness or some heart issue with you that should be dealt with. Beyond communication you may need to get counseling.
Carol,
Thanks for your insight and comments. I think you’re exactly on track that consistent negativity is “a symptom of a bigger root problem.”
This is most likely a “fear” issue with the negative spouse. When I began my real estate investing my spouse was very negative about it. Too risky, too many potential problems, what if we failed, what if we lose money, etc. We talked about the issues and decided together to base our decision to move forward on facts and not fears. If there was an issue we were not sure about we consulted with experts to get the facts. The bigger relational issue between spouses, with negativity, is dealt with by communicating with an attitude of mutual respect and love and striving to understand rather than demand. By the way, my spouse is currently the top 1% of all real estate brokers for her company which is the largest private real estate brokerage in Chicago. I applaud her for not letting fear and negativity hinder her success.
This is most likely a “fear” issue with the negative spouse. When I began my real estate investing my spouse was very negative about it. Too risky, too many potential problems, what if we failed, what if we lose money, etc. We talked about the issues and decided together to base our decision to move forward on facts and not fears. If there was an issue we were not sure about we consulted with experts to get the facts. The bigger relational issue between spouses, with negativity, is dealt with by communicating with an attitude of mutual respect and love and striving to understand rather than demand. By the way, my spouse is currently the top 1% of all real estate brokers for her company which is the largest private real estate brokerage in Chicago. I applaud her for not letting fear and negativity hinder her success.
Mike,
You describe the ideal process for confronting the negativity and working through it to a new and positive end. You and Kim could be teaching this – your approach and the willingness for both of you to learn and change speaks volumes about the quality and depth of your relationship today. Thanks for sharing here.
This is my issue square on. I don’t have any solutions or tips and am anxious to hear from those who do!
Steven – stay tuned. We’re getting some great advice here and in private messages to me.
Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution!!
So here is what i might recommend that folks should try!
Set some ground rules…… start by agreeing that you both LOVE each other, but there are some issues that you both don’t see eye to eye on. Agree that this will not be a personal debate that either side is trying to Hurt the other side. Look at it as a debate- and a good debater can debate either side of an issue.
So courteously and professionally state your positions in an opening statement with one another.
Listen and learn what the other side is saying. To often when we are listening we are not really hearing ????
We are thinking about what our response is going to be even before the other side is finished. You must Both agree not to do that!!
Once you and your spouse have made your opening statements and presented your positions succinctly and with clarity the stage is set!
Now you must both agree to change your positions to the others point of view and with everything you have now try to win the debate!
There are always two sides to every story and more often then not more than one correct answer.
With this approach you will more clearly begin to understand the other point of view and methodically and lovingly each of you can come to a compromise that will work for both of you and all while keeping your marriage in tact!
Remember that in debating professionalism on how you present your case with class and understanding is a must. Its not easy but it will be worth it in the end- especially when you both see that you are both going to work things out as the good and best friends that you are.
Lou
Lou – that’s funny but true – They have a problem for every solution!!
Our pastor recently said this in a sermon too. “Avoid negative people like the plague.” And I really wanted to go up to him afterward and ask, ‘”What if you can’t get away from them because you are married to one?” This has stumped me for years. It’s a sad situation but I try to limit my time at home, and spend as much time as possible with positive people and reading positive books, audio tapes, etc… to counter-act the negativity. When I am at home I try to re-direct the conversation to something positive. Even though I have made money in every business or real estate investment I have ever done except one, the first response is always negative: What if the dollar crashes? What if ISIS attacks? What if interest rates go up? What if there is another correction in the stock or real estate market? Of course, it almost never happens, but her fears are very dis-motivating.
I commend you on the approach you describe. If you have a track record of success and the negativity still is the first response, there must be a deeper fear or hurt that hasn’t been dealt with. Keep your positive attitude, keep achieving new successes and try to surround your spouse with others who expect good things to show up.
I agree with Dan that many times negativity is an issue with “deeper needs” not being met. My wife is a very religious person. As my children have passed through the local public school and college systems, they have a much more scientific and “fact based” mindset than their mother. As the kids and I have progressed, I have somewhat adopted more of their scientific approach. We stopped going to church and my wife had become very negative. We have started going back a few weeks, and even though my and the kids point of view may not have changed, my wife is much happier in believing in going to church, we are more likely to have God’s blessing and a more positive approach to our life and better outcomes. If her belief that God will bless us if we attend church will relieve some negativity in the relationship, it’s probably worth it, rather than argue science with her on Sunday mornings.
This may be a contrarian point of view, but it’s entirely possible that the person married a “negative” person in order to have an excuse not to launch. Presumably, the couple talked about things during their courtship like hopes, dreams and expectations. If at that point, when everything was theoretical, the negative person expressed his / her goal to play things safe, just get a good job, stick with the known and get your 25 years in so you can get a pension, etc., and the partner still believed this was the ideal mate, it may have been because s/he confirmed that person’s self-image and expectations about pursuing those dreams. The challenge comes when one person outgrows his / her fears but the other doesn’t.
Wow – that cuts deep and I love your theory. I suspect that’s entirely true in many cases. But as you say, the challenge comes when one person grows and changes and the other does not. I’ve been married for over 47 years. Neither Joanne nor I are much like the kids we were when we got married. I think we have to recognize change is inevitable – and be willing to embrace it in ourselves and in our spouses. It can be exhilarating or terrifying.
May I commiserate also? Just kidding..
Mike Galvan, perhaps you can identify with the beginnings of a real estate investor – that’s me right now. I have an advanced degree in the arts, and recently, I verbalized a perpetual dream of mine; a dream to become wealthy as a Real Estate Investor (REI). Initially, this was a scary development to my beautiful girlfriend (I’ll refer to her as “Cindy”), and we had uncomfortable discussions about the potential financial risks I might incur.
With Cindy’s recommendation, I sought wisdom from expert mentors at the Baltimore Real Estate Investing Association (REIA) club, and now I am surrounded by local virtuosos in this field (albeit, I would be the sausage in the steakhouse). Cindy likes that!! (not the sausage part I hope).
Given I am now living paycheck to paycheck, and shackled to an awful student loan burden which would cause a Dave Ramsey heart attack, my mentors unanimously have recommended Wholesaling REI because, as the bootstrapper I am, it limits my financial exposure and risk. Cindy especially likes that too, judging how a worry vein no longer is vigorously pulsating and protruding from the side of her neck.
Unlike many of the wonderful 48 Days members, I am not married to Cindy yet – a.k.a. equal business partners with joint control of assets. However, since this community might consider my “two cents” in lieu of formal marriage credentials, I can imagine it is VERY difficult for one spouse to convince her husband that by next year, she will have replaced her income with a monetizing podcast, interviewing Entrepreneur Moms.
Perhaps like me, you currently lack a clear perspective on what you want, and there is a foreboding difference between what you are thinking, and how you articulate that in a heart-to-heart dialogue with your wife. So if you are REALLY serious about your passion to make a living as the Dan Miller IV sequel (pre-requisite includes rhinoceros-grade, thick skin), and your spouse endorses personal and professional coaching instead of Starbucks lattes (good for losing weight too), buy into the wisdom of a coach. It is an investment that can pay dividends (if it doesn’t, sorry you missed out on all the lattes).
Find a role model who will teach you, like my violin teacher did (who I payed dearly) to teach me to play violin concertos – eventually with my eyes closed. A teacher who knows how, and who will inspire you to build a business around your passion.
Brandon,
Sounds like you’re having fun experimenting with how to make this work at the very early stages of your relationship. The Bible says there’s safety in a multitude of counselors – and I think you’re approaching this perfectly. Enjoy the learning process and stay excited about the possibilities!
Thank you Dan for encouraging us – hope you are having a great weekend!
No psychologist am I. But men and women are often at odds because of their self-needs. Near the top of the list for women is security. The man seeking to launch his dream may simply come across to his wife as doing something completely at odds with her desire for security. I am also sure the roles may occasionally be reversed among men and women. Perhaps the woman has the dream. A dream pursued is fraught with uncertainty. Uncertainty and security are simply not good bedfellows. Profess your never ending, undying love for your spouse. What you see as negativity may simply be insecurity manifesting itself.
Ron – ah fortunately we can learn the important life lessons without being shrinks. My wife Joanne would have been very content if I had taken an assembly line job at General Motors and stayed there for 35 years – leading to a “normal” retirement. Unfortunately for her, that prospect made me want to throw up. I’ve taken her on a wild ride of experimenting, risking, and experiencing the thrill of victory – and the agony of defeat. But ultimately, the victories outweighed the defeats and she loves the life we have today. Her willingness to support me unconditionally overrode her desire for “security.”
“I can’t afford to stay stuck where I am. I feel it is hurting me, my relationship with you, and our family. / I have a specific plan I’d like to discuss with you about how we can generate the money needed for me to start this venture, as well as how I will prioritize my time to get things off the ground. I’d love to get your input on it. / I feel I have specific talent, passion, and marketing ability to do this that gives me an edge, even if others are doing it. / I have to take the first step and I will learn as I go what each next step is, along with planning and goal-setting. / Maybe I haven’t been successful in my last few attempts, but I have learned from them how to make this one successful and am more determined than ever to do so. / Yes, I am a dreamer, that’s what fuels me now. I am making specific goals to put into action that will combine both dreaming and doing. / I may not have the “credentials,” but the results I will produce far outweigh any credentials that I could have. / I certainly view myself as having great potential to lead. / I don’t necessarily aim to be Dave Ramsey, Pat Flynn, etc., but if I don’t take the first step, I will never even have the chance to be as successful as they. And maybe their view of success looks different than mine. Plus, when I compare myself to them and use a self-imposed grading system, I’m edging out God. My inherent worth in Christ is what makes me unique and I want to maximize that. / No one is ever too old or young to make a plan for their dream life. / I may not have the degrees, but I will work towards whatever is necessary to be successful.
Yes, dear, I recognize that this is scary and risky. But that’s what makes it so exciting. I want us to have a more fulfilling life together. I love you, and I hope you will support me. Let’s go out together and take some time just to dream. We won’t talk about the logistics of it all, but let me share my dreams with you. Dreams that I truly believe can and will come true for us.
Tricia,
Wow – you certainly convinced me. I can’t imagine a spouse who wouldn’t be excited about exploring with you – given that introduction. Keep believin and dreamin!
Most of the time the entrepreneur needs to listen to the input of his or her spouse even if it is difficult or seems illogical. My husband and I don’t move forward on anything until we are in agreement and many times it is just a timing issue. I have a couple of friends with husbands who did not listen to their wives about business matters and they ended up declaring bankruptcy as a result.
Kimberlee – lots of complexities in these situations. What if the spouse would have been supportive – would the result have been different?
Thanks so much for your input.
I am in this situation myself. Here are my thoughts. First, if you have been married 2 years or more, your spouse probably knows you better than yourself. They live with your hopes, dreams, fears, and anxieties. They live your ups and downs. If you both work, you should be sharing in chores. She has dreams and goals too. Mine wants a large house with a pool for the kids, we have it. Second, kids have financial security and parental time needs that come before your personal dreams. You being in your child’s life is extremely important to their success and your future happiness. Do not abandon your children to pursue your dream. Third, debt is a killer of dreams. There’s a reason Dan Miller is a close friend of Dave Ramsey. If you are slaving away against a large mortgage or credit card debt, you need to get those problems in check before you start a business, if you already have a job and can make the obligations. I’ve been to several classes and seminars on starting a business, and the most successful business people are putting their business’ needs before their own. A small business is typically starved for start up capital, and you literally need to sacrifice to make it successful. The world is not the TV show “Silicon Valley”, where you have a good idea and people show up with money. You have to work and sacrifice for it. Fourth, you may have to do it at work. You idea (or ideas) may have to profit your employer while you pay off debt or raise kids. I have a concept called “buying back my time”. The time you have is the most precious gift you have besides you wife and kids. You need to pay off the debt, then start to buy back your time. Use your vacation, work overtime, but instead of getting paid for it, make a deal with your boss to take that time off later. Finally, small steps. Write up the business plan. Make the prototype. Don’t tell too many people. Watch the marketplace. Refine your idea. Pivot if you have to. I have had a business dream for close to 20 years now. With 2 kids in college and one in high school, a big house, and a wife who says I’m ADD and doesn’t finish things, I have some work to do. I already have a domain name and logo. I have database designs and working on screen mock-ups. I even have a cheap Linux server. My kids have even become interested in the idea recently. One of my kids is even learning programming from me. So, my plan? Give my dream for a business to my kids if they want to adopt it. When we get everyone through college, then my financial needs may allow us to look at REALLy launching a business. Until then, first things first.
I’ve never been patient enough to wait until everyone else’s dreams are fulfilled before starting on my own. I always look for “and” solutions rather than “either/or.” I’ve moved ahead on my dreams even when parts of my life were a mess. Hopefully you’ll benefit from your business dream for many years before you just hand it off to your kids.
I prefer to make them “partners” as they see and adopt the vision. We are better off as “Team A”, even if we don’t do my idea, than we are with my having a successful software business and my wife and kids hating me. To me, “Team A” needs for all of us to get there together. I know this is “not” the case with many entrepreneurs. I have a good friend who started two businesses, put his dreams first, wrecked his first marriage. He’s about 70, 10+ million in the bank, and has many regrets with how he treated his family. He actually envies and respects my faith and family. He built up two successful businesses, after a strong career in the defense industry. His oldest son will have nothing to do with him, even though he’s worth over 10 million dollars. Sometimes I think his son is gay more to spite his dad, than because he really is. (He throws it in his father’s face.) There just isn’t enough money to heal the relationship. His youngest daughter is just now coming back after 20 years, and does subtle things in the social media that he would have hated years ago to “show him up”. (She does his Facebook for him. ) At 70, his money is just a way to buy influence and feel important and secure. I don’t want to be poor, but a LOT of what I do, I do to bless my wife and children, and in the final analysis, “Team A” needs to get there together, even if it means that I never get my business off the ground. One other point that a very wise Entrepreneur pointed out in one of the classes. The best time to start a business is when you are high school/college/just out of college/not married/no mortgage or debt or at the end of a work career with paid off house/kids out of college/debts paid/retirement income. I’m about 8 years from the 2nd window with 2 in college, one in high school. The worst time is in the middle. My challenge is to get personal issues that I waste time on out of the way. Bad uses of my time like television/entertainment, time wasting social media, and eating out/large meals which have made me heavy. While the shows may be fun, or good conversation, they do nothing to truly enrich or change your life or any other person’s life. I need to see food as fuel and not as a addiction, which is the reason 1/3 of the US is overweight and obese. I need focus on the “right things” and I will be successful.
I will add one more comment, and it’s a huge one. Trust. What do you do that builds up or breaks down trust in a relationship? If your wife already had trust issues with you, then your business idea is just more “white noise” to her if the kids are screaming, the laundry is not done, and the house is a mess. If you want your wife on board, you need to become a “servant leader” in your house, both helping meet her needs for a clean house, clean clothes, and well-behaved kids. You have to “motivate” your cute, but clever kids to get off the social media, turn off the iPhone, and help with what I call the “chores of life”. You also have to show her a “reasonable pathway” to get success. Why should she “trust” you if you cannot show her how you and she will keep the house, feed the kids, pay the mortgage, insurance, utilities and water while you chase your dreams? Sure she’s negative. You’re telling her you want to go on a “quest” while things may are, or could be falling apart at home. If you love her and the kids, then you can’t just have a dream, you need a well-articulated plan that provides stability to your family, while you can get the business bootstrapped. Robert Kiosaki is a huge success because he and his wife lived with other family rent-free for many years raising investment capital and buying real-estate before ever paying his own rent. Sure he was successful, he got to eat at someone else’s table, and live rent free with family. Plan it out before you quit your job. Save your money, live with relatives, work it out with your spouse before you leave for the “quest”.
WOW this topic hits real close to home. First off, just to be clear, my lovely, wonderful, fabulous wife is ABSOLUTELY NOT A NEGATIVE PERSON 8^) She is, however, very different from me, and this is an area that has caused much tension over the past few years.
With that said, here are my thoughts and ideas. Many are from the school of hard knocks, and represent the person I “want” to be, not necessarily the person that I am (yet).
1) Can you look each other eye-to-eye and say, “I love you and I’m committed to you. We’re going to get through this and God is making you, me, and we more like Him through this process.” If you can’t do this, stop everything and figure out what you need to do to be able to make this statement. (NOTE: I took my wife out for a date last Saturday and made it a point to do this very thing several times during dinner).
2) Are you running “to” something or “from” something? Your spouse should know you better than anyone else, and they can tell if you’re just running away from your current situation, or really have a plan for the future.
3) Take an honest assessment. I’m sure you have great dreams, and I want you to succeed, but the world is filled with dreamers. Do you have a track record of doing? If you’re 50 years old and have never made more than $30k and you’re trying to convince your spouse that you’ll make $300k next year, it’s reasonable for them to have some doubts. What are some other areas of your life that you’ve been able to make similar advancements?
4) While you’re making assessments, look at your whole life (financial, career, personal, spiritual, fitness, family, etc.) What does the rest of your life look like? If you’re focusing on one or two areas, then you may be right on the edge of a breakthrough in that area. If 5 or 6 areas are in chaos, STOP, put a plan together to stabilize the situation. Slow down and make incremental steps until you really have focus.
5) Consider investing in the relationship. This may be a good time to work with a professional coach to help you understand each other and develop a plan that gives each of you confidence that it will succeed. Similarly, we all have issues in our past that need to be addressed, and a good coach/counselor can help provide healing in those areas as well.
Jon,
Thanks so much for your input. Yeah a biggie is your number 3. I encounter too many people who are trying to convince their spouse that they’ll 10x any results this time if they can just bet the farm instead of stair-stepping and showing success along the way.
I agree with the comments about lack of communication. The first thing to do will be to sit down with the spouse and ask to understand their concerns. By itself this can be a very tough step because if you have a negative spouse then you’re likely having communication issues already and haven’t spent enough time listening to each other.
Do not expect this discussion to be a one-time event. On the contrary, use it to start having lots of discussions about life, work, dreams and finance and work on your relationship at the same time. Before my wife opened her business she was very disgruntled and unhappy, complaining often that as a couple we have nothing to talk about. Once we started working on her business our day-to-day communication improved too.
Another question that needs to be raised relates to the spouse’s dreams. I do not suggest to fulfill their dreams first, but there needs to be an understanding that they will not need to support you in whatever you need while putting their dreams aside. There should be a plan to accommodate both dreams. Yes, you want to pursue YOUR dream, but you cannot be selfish about it.