This is a guest post by Joanne Miller. She is my wife and affectionately known as Queen Mother in the 48Days community. She writes, serves the needs of others and spends time with her grandchildren. Her newest book is titled Be Your Finest Art and that’s also the name of her group here in this community. She doesn’t use Twitter or Facebook but has more connections than anyone I know. If you’d like to guest post on this blog, check out the guidelines here.
Early in our marriage Dan had a serious discussion with me about my tendency to put him on a pedestal from which he would eventually topple. I had 
spent the first seventeen years of my life with my mother on that pedestal. It was all I knew. With no father in my life and a very domineering mother who was not only to be revered but also feared, it was not surprising that when I met Dan I replaced Mom with him. Mom was highly intelligent, a member of the Mensa Society for high IQ. Dan was equally intelligent coupled with a much larger degree of common sense. I admired him greatly and it wasn’t difficult to idolize him. After all, I was a teenager in love.
But the conversation Dan initiated has forever stuck in my mind. Only now I take it a step further in that I believe there are often unrealistic expectations that preclude understanding a spouse’s level of self confidence, ability and responsibility.
I’m afraid I have been guilty of placing all the burden of “providing for our family” solely on Dan at times when he wasn’t certain which direction he should go. Looking back, I now think I didn’t always take into consideration that he was not an omniscient god who had all the answers to our security, our future. At times I even fell into the belief that he was equally responsible for all the housekeeping and the child rearing.
In the 1970’s the prevalent thought for family cohesiveness was that everything should be 50/50 in the home. At that time Dan was holding down the only REAL job he ever had as a therapist in a psychiatric hospital. He spent long days dealing with very emotional and sometimes physical altercations. I dealt all day with a sweet baby boy, meal preparation and light housekeeping. Dan was eager to get home to us and play with our son and tell me about his day. I’m not sure when I started feeling bad about expecting him to keep up his share of housekeeping. After all he had worked hard all day too and needed to rest. But one day it occurred to me that he had his career and I had mine. I had chosen by mutual agreement to be a stay-at-home mother as much as possible. In the evening when he was home, he and I both needed to rest from our chosen careers. It seemed unfair to require him to do fifty percent of my load if I wasn’t doing fifty percent of his. And I had no desire to do any of his load. That didn’t, by any means, mean that when he was home he was just a lazy slob who sat in front of the TV and demanded I wait on him. Not only would that have knocked him off the pedestal I used to place him on, I would probably have knocked that halo off his arrogant and lazy head!
But here is what has made our marriage work. We respect each other for the roles we play in maintaining a healthy, happy marriage. He doesn’t require me to fill his shoes and I don’t require him to fill mine. I do mothering and nurturing and housecleaning, decorating, shopping and cooking and all that goes with it to make our home our Haven of Peace. Dan provides for that to occur. He sometimes has some pretty long days making this happen. I make sure he has a safe haven to rest after he has had a grueling day. And he makes it possible for me to have money to buy groceries, clothing and trinkets (a girl’s gotta have some!) He does plenty around the house and yard and with the family to contribute to our happy home. But I don’t feel he has to do fifty percent of my work.
Recognizing that the spouse who “brings home the bacon” fills an important role that makes the family able to function is vitally important. Years ago when we lost our business, our home and our “security” I knew it had to have had a tremendous impact on Dan’s own sense of responsibility and self-confidence. We had three children at home and we all looked forward to when Daddy walked in that door each evening. But I also knew he was in a state of anxiety over what had happened and needed to “heal” and regroup. So the kids and I made a deal that we would help Daddy feel better by running a tub of warm water for him with candles lit, soft music in the cassette player and thirty minutes of time to himself to unwind each day when he came home to us. Now I don’t remember how long we did this but I remember that all of us felt like we were giving him the most amazing gift by allowing him thirty minutes of relaxation before we bombarded him with kids climbing on him and me asking about his day.
It’s gifts of love like this that have made our marriage so strong and lasting. Demands and unrealistic expectations can kill a relationship. And placing a spouse on a pedestal from which he/she is not allowed or expected to fall….. is a recipe for disaster. Dan is the love of my life and an amazing husband and father but he is real, and vulnerable and sometimes just plain wrong. But don’t tell him I told you that.
Wow what a beautiful essay, and example! Thanks for sharing, Joanne. What do you remember about making the switch from viewing your husband on a pedestal to just as a normal guy?
Wow, Rebecca…it’s been so long……but I remember that what he said during that conversation over 46 years ago made sense to me and I don’t think I ever realized before what unrealistic pressure that put on a person. I’ll admit it has been a process of putting him up and taking him down. But as I have grown more confident, I have been better able to trust myself more and lesson the burden on him. Also, through the years he has become more honest about his own fears and mistakes. That makes him more real in my eyes. Hope that answers your question. Thanks for your comment!
Joanne>> you and Dan are great role models of ‘secrets of happy couples”/ ‘secrets of Happy families’. One key word you used > respect< on so many levels!
Karen, when people ask us (and they often do) what one thing we attribute our happy marriage to, we both say, without hesitation RESPECT! Respect is earned by giving it. So many people never understand that principle and it is so very important. Thanks for your kind words! Blessings my friend!
You inspire me, Joanne — keep writing and sharing!
Joanne – love the amount of respect you both have for each other in honoring each other’s needs. No matter if we work outside of the home, work to take care of our homes and families, etc. is so easy for all of us to easily to get trapped into the “victim” mode mentality (oh poor me I do this all day) or the “scoring system” of I get this, you get that type games that many couples play today. While I firmly believe we don’t have 100% perfect balance EVERY minute in our life, I do believe you guys are a GREAT example of how to serve our spouses so we bring out the very best in each other.
We find that continually depositing into our relational bank account by doing kind acts of service or compliments or just being very resepectful, helps to offset any infractions we might have towards each other. It’s when a couple has few (if any) deposits of love in that “relational bank account” that resentment, anger, bitterness builds. Respect is a biggy for us. It’s also why we NEVER had children who talked to us disrespectfully……They never saw us do so to one another. Thanks Jen for your kind words.
I remember those candlelit baths we did for Dad and how we always begged to have our own bath times like that! So relaxing. I definitely agree that mutual respect is so vital to a relationship, and part of working as a team is to figure out the individual strengths each of you bring to the table, and focus on the goal of a peaceful home and how to do that together – whether that looks like a traditional model or not, the key is that you both work together toward the common goal, and respect/show gratitude to what the other does for the family.
Very true my dear daughter! It is so important that both partners agree on their roles and their goals….are on the same page…and then be supportive and respectful of one another. And it is not always a one-size-fits-all traditional model. Thanks for your comment Ashley and your insight. Love you!
Just great to read this Mom. To hear the story, and your perspective so many years later. Every day I grow older, I realize more what you both provided, and the effort you made. Thank you. I love you.
Kevin, Means a lot to me to have my children recognize what parenting entails….and relationship. Thanks so much for your sweet comment. Becoming a parent yourself sheds new light on how you view your own parents, for sure! love you, too!!
I am loving all these posts from you Joanne! Truly love hearing your stories and the lessons you and Dan learned along the way! They are like food for my curious mind on what a happy/healthy home and marriage look like and function like! Thanks dear friend!
p.s. love your writing style which blends humor and life lessons in a wonderful way!
Thanks, Claudia…I am enjoying writing them. And one thing I have learned along the way is to maintain a sense of humor. As adults, we often lose that sense of fun and play. If we do, we sometimes take ourselves and our lives way too seriously!! Hugs to you my friend!
Love this, Joanne! I think everybody needs a “Love Trust” and a “Brain Trust” — i.e., people with whom you share personal affection and those with whom you share big ideas. When you can have crossover members, that’s the best!
Thanks, Bonnie for the comment. I agree totally. I have been blessed with that crossover.
I love this story of honesty and transparency Joanne. Thank you for showing us how to love and affirm our families.
Thanks, Jevonnah! I think you have a good handle on this and are helping many others on your journey! Blessings, jfm
Joanne, loving an entrepreneur is hard work. My wife definitely enjoyed hearing both sides of the discussion when we visited briefly in August. You and Dan continue to inspire us, and yes! I am just plain wrong sometimes (but don’t tell Debby I said that either)!
Ms. Joanne, a lot of nice things have been said here about you, and I echo every single comment! I’ll just keep it simple and say what I’ve said every since I’ve known you. You are genuine, always put action behind the love you have for everyone, and are a amazing rock star friend to have in this life! 🙂
Good reading Joanne and lots of lessons to be shared from your marriage. Respect is a learned lesson from love and friendship. Something so many never grasp that. Sometimes many never receive that from childhood where we learn so much. Keep your lessons coming. Hopefully others will learn from them.