This is a guest post by Joanne Miller. She is my wife and affectionately known as Queen Mother in the 48Days community. She writes, serves the needs of others and spends time with her grandchildren. Her newest book is titled Be Your Finest Art and that’s also the name of her group here in this community. She doesn’t use Twitter or Facebook but has more connections than anyone I know. If you’d like to guest post on this blog, check out the guidelines here.
I am often asked how I coped with being married to an entrepreneur for so many years. How did I handle the financial chaos and instability?
For four decades, Dan has been an entrepreneur doing everything from cleaning houses to becoming a writer, speaker and coach. He has sold cars and RVs, vocational schooling packages, telephone/address books, run a health and fitness club, an automotive after-market accessories business and painted houses. We had months of little to no income to months when we were flying high. We had times of vacationing in style to having the electricity cut off due to our inability to pay the bill. And, what’s the worst that could happen? Losing our home and cars? Yes, that happened too. It wasn’t a pretty picture. I can still remember that sinking feeling of numbness when our failing business sold at absolute auction for pennies on the dollar and we were left in mountains of debt. It took us over twelve years to pay it all back and be able to buy a house again, and even then we had to utilize some very creative financing.
Ah, yes, the joys of the entrepreneurial lifestyle. Let me dispel a few myths:
- Living the entrepreneurial lifestyle is so much easier than working a traditional J-O-B. In your dreams. Every entrepreneur I have ever run across works long, hard hours building and maintaining a business. Most would admit that having a “real job” would be easier.
- The entrepreneur has lots of freedom to work when he/she wants and leave the work behind when he/she wants. Freedom is subjective. Struggling to grow a business and pulling every financial resource together to pay bills and start up costs, diminishes the sense of freedom for a period of time and the family had better be willing to sacrifice.
- Being your own boss gives you peace and comfort in knowing you answer only to yourself. This is actually true. You answer to yourself (and your spouse) when the bills are overdue and you are solely responsible for them. And you answer to no one else when you have to hire, fire, motivate and oversee employees, partners and business associates. And you get to figure out taxes, insurance, liability, P & L’s and so on. Ah, the joys of being your own boss instead of letting someone else deal with all those details.
- A good education will get you where you want to go. Au contraire, my friend. A good education might help in some cases and is definitely a good life experience, but the entrepreneur knows having personality, a willingness to work hard and long will bring you more success than will most college degrees. Life is a good teacher. Failure is critical to reaching true success.
Now before you peg me for a cynic, let me say, I would not trade the frustration, fear, anger, despair, and worry to have lived a different life. I am a better person for having tenaciously hung onto the kite strings of this amazing flight. And, yes, I did feel all those emotions. There were times I railed at God through prayer and times when I simply didn’t even know how to pray any more. So I just waited. I waited to see what would happen next. And we never starved. I learned a lot about living in the moment.
We were never homeless (although we did spend ten months with Dan’s parents at one point…with three kids, a dog, a cat and all our possessions). Our kids didn’t suffer. And our marriage didn’t suffer. Back in 1968 when we were vowing to one another to stick together through thick and thin, we actually took that seriously. We never considered our lives together to be too hard to reconcile. Marriage is a lot like entrepreneurialism. If one is committed, one just keeps doing everything it takes to make it work.
Were there times I wanted to yell, “Just get a REAL job!!”? Of course there were. I thought it in my head many times. But realistically, I knew that working a real job would never be a fit for Dan and if he was miserable, the family would suffer. He would have made a horrible employee. He would have had a better way to do anything he was told and would have had a hard time being a team player. So I reconciled myself to that fact.
I believe in Dan. He is one of the wisest people I know and that is a lot of what attracted me to him in the first place. I love the way his mind works. The ideas he comes up with can sweep me away in the excitement of dreaming and planning. I want his bent towards adventure and the unknown to continue flowing into the experiences we have as a couple and a family and I think it makes all of us stronger and more interesting to be around. Was it hard when we lost our house and didn’t know where we were going next? Oh, yes it was. But it was an event. It wasn’t a person. It wasn’t our relationship. It wasn’t the demise of our family. It only helped us grow wiser and our children have benefitted from watching their parents stay united through thick and thin.
Being the wife of an entrepreneur is one of the biggest blessings of my life. I am glad I stuck through all the years of trial and error and didn’t decide to chuck it all for someone more “stable and secure”. I’m a better person for having been the support and stable influence that made our home a haven of peace and joy. No, it wasn’t all a grand ride. But the end result has been worth it and I can’t imagine a better education for myself and my family.
Are you embracing who you are and allowing your spouse to do the same?
Thank You for showing how true happiness is really measured by being true to yourself and doing what you love. I did that about a year ago and started my own business with my own developed products and a blog. Really enjoyed this post because it is work, but enjoying the fruits of our labor is so gratifying!
Susan, Glad you are following your dreams and it is working for you. Yes, the fruits are very gratifying ……even if it takes awhile to get there. Thanks so much for your comment!
Such wonderfully transparent and genuine advice. The baptism into entrepeneurship means you learn whether you can walk through the fire and survive. Obviously the Millers did! What wonderful insight you had JoAnn to realize Dan would NEVER be happy working for someone else. How blessed you were to have one another and a deep faith to know God had plans for you.
Kathy, it wasn’t always easy, that’s for sure. If I had given Dan and ultimatum, one of us loses…namely him…..and our marriage has always been based on creating win-win for both of us. Besides, Dan would have gotten fired pretty quickly if he couldn’t be the boss! 🙂 Thanks for the great comment!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I really needed this as I as the wife am the entrepreneur and things are looking really scary right now. I am sure my husband feels many times that I could probably get a real job but he has not said it. He has been patient and faithfully carrying us all on his income while I build my business. I am thankful for that but sometimes I do get discouraged when I look at our bills especially my student loan. Thanks for reassuring me that through perseverance, lots of creativity, a strong marriage and lots of crying out to God, I can make it.
Oh, yes, Rochelle…..those days of building a business isn’t always fun or easy. Sometimes those days about do you in. But don’t EVER let it come between you and your hubby. Hopefully when one is down the other is up and encouraging and vice versa. And the worst that can happen is that you have had one amazing learning curve! Thanks for your comment. And remember, take one day at a time. Sometimes looking at the larger picture is very scary indeed! 😉
You truly are an amazing woman and your honesty and transparency are so appreciated. Dan could not have accomplished all he has without you supporting and encouraging him. Thank you for sharing this picture of what entrepreneurship is really like and how together you made it work for your family despite difficult times.
Ann, Dan has often advised clients not to follow their path to entrepreneurialism because the spouse isn’t supportive. It is critical to success. If a couple is split apart because of a business decision or path, someone isn’t listening. Someone is not considering relationship above business. And that leads to disaster. And, you are right…..Success takes a united couple….and I don’t think Dan would be where he is today if he didn’t have me as his cheerleader! I know he would agree. Thanks for the comment.
Joanne, I appreciate your vulnerable account. It was both honest and inspirational. I believe we all encounter challenges that test our character and give us opportunities to grow. I call it God’s “IEP”—individual education plan. You’ve set a wonderful example for us all.
Debbie, IEP….I love it! And if we allow ourselves to learn while pushing through the chaos of the moment…..we get the best education available! Thanks for this great comment!
Joanne, such a great article. So honest and transparent. Thank you. Both my husband and I are entrepreneurs and so I definitely understand the long hours and hard work that goes into it. Supporting each other, communicating and just having fun together and laughing often is huge for us. About 5 years ago, my husband bought a motorcylce and whenever we both need to de-stress from business, we’ll hop on it and go for a long ride. We both love adventure and this allows my right brain to come up with creative ideas for business. We have some of the best times when we get out of our everyday environment and just live. I love your line: “Marriage is a lot like entrepreneurialism. If one is committed, one just keeps doing everything it takes to make it work.” Thanks for sharing! P.S. Your book was a big inspiration for some of my creative coaching packages! Thanks for all you do!
Jevonnah, thanks for your kind remarks. Being an entrepreneur isn’t easy, nor is living with one when you aren’t! But it doesn’t matter WHAT your spouse does if you are committed to the relationship. Life is full of ups and downs. The key to being happily married is to be up when the other is down so you can give encouragement and comfort. What so often happens is anger and resentment and that is going to end poorly. Anger can be directed to an event or situation but needs to be diffused when aimed at the person you love most. Eager to see you this coming week! Bless you…jfm
Joanne, Thanks for sharing the real stuff! That you believe in Dan is so powerful. In fact, I think it is one of the most powerful things one person can do for the other. May God bless you and your marriage even more in the coming days.
Aww….Thanks, Marcy. Whether your husband is an entrepreneur or in a real job matters not if you are truly committed to the relationship and we were, are and always will be. And that definitely takes believing in one another. We are each other’s cheerleaders….and reality checks!
Dear Joanne, I read your comments and all I can say is, I like you, Dan is one lucky guy, and is rich because of you”.
Thanks! I think we are both blessed! To use a famous line from Jerry McGuire…..we complete each other!
Awesome post. I very real look at something very real. Supurb!
Thanks, Clark. Yes these are very real issues and I try not to sugar coat it. The life of an entrepreneur isn’t easy and the family has to remain top priority. Thanks for your comment.
Thank you for making the truth clear. It’s hard work but it’s worth it. This is true of all important things in life…including being married to an entrepreneur.
You are right, Andy, anything good takes a ton of work….in relationship or in business. Thanks for your comment.
Wow, Joanne, I am going to have my husband read this. He often said that I just could never work for anyone else, and now I am on the track to eventual self-employment. Building my writing and coaching business has not been easy, but we need spouses like you to keep us on track, build us up when we are down, and defend our “crazy” decision to follow our passion to others when we just too tired and frustrated to do it. My husband has been my biggest cheerleader and my “voice of reason” when I try to do too much.
Thank you!
Two things that jumped out at me:
1. “Freedom is subjective.”
2. “Marriage is a lot like entrepreneurialism. If one is committed, one just keeps doing everything it takes to make it work.” – As an unmarried person I see this as an encouraging lesson on marriage.
When “following” someone, it tells a lot about the person when they talk about their spouse. Dan mentions you in many things and this post is a great “behind the scenes” of your family.
Thank you for sharing this. It was/is encouraging and insightful.