A couple of years ago I read Susan Cain’s book: Quiet – The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. Susan documents how schools, companies and even churches embrace extroverts and make it difficult for someone who is “quiet” to be valued. Since that time I have recommended it hundreds of times to people who suspect they are being left behind because they are not the life of the party.
Here’s just one small excerpt regarding church involvement: “The evangelical culture ties together faithfulness with extroversion. The emphasis is on 
community, on participating in more and more programs and events, on meeting more and more people. It’s a constant tension for many introverts that they’re not living that out. And in a religious world, there’s more at stake when you feel that tension. It doesn’t feel like ‘I’m not doing well as I’d like.’ It feels like ‘God isn’t pleased with me.’”
Contemporary evangelicalism says that every person you fail to meet and proselytize is another soul you might have saved. But what if you are “reflective, cerebral, bookish, unassuming, sensitive, thoughtful, serious, contemplative, introspective, inner-directed, gentle, calm, solitude-seeking, and melancholic?” Are those characteristics to be squashed and ignored? Is there any place in society where a quiet person can thrive and make a contribution? Can that person be “successful” and fulfill God’s will in their lives?
Have you ever found yourself pretending to be an extrovert? Are seriousness and sensitivity second-class personality traits – somewhere between a “disappointment and a pathology?” Fortunately, in Quiet, the author shows that some of our greatest ideas, art and inventions came from quiet and cerebral people who knew how to embrace their inner worlds and the treasures to be discovered there.
We just had another amazing Innovate event here last Thursday and Friday. The group included those who struggle with “promoting” their work. Fortunately, promoting one’s work today does not require standing on a soapbox in the middle of a busy intersection. You can learn how to successfully promote and prosper – even while remaining an “introvert.” Hey we’ve even got a group in the 48Days.net community for introverts to share ideas – Embracing Introvertedness.
What do you think? Can an introvert thrive and prosper in our extraverted world? Have you found some ideas for doing well as an Introvert?
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This is so true. As an introvert myself, I sometimes feel like I’m not giving it all my worth if I’m not participating fully than others who are more extrovertive. I saw Susan’s TED talk on this, and this post just reminded me again that I have to read her book. Thanks Dan! God bless!
It is a dilemma. I just made a major career leap … because when it got right down to it, my bosses wanted a typical extroverted leader and it’s just not who I am. Nearly 22 years there trying to be something I wasn’t. It’s freeing — and scary — to make the move, but I feel that honoring the authentic gifts God gave me and respecting who I truly am is the right path to pursue. I’ve heard about this book — thanks to you, I’ll make sure I read it.
As always Dan — thanks so much for your insights!
It’s a struggle that I face. As a former introvert (is there such a thing?) who has embraced meeting and loving on people I tend to want to encourage introverts to engage with other people. To meet, to greet, to be interested in large groups.
I have to temper that with the personalities of others. Respecting their styles and encouraging them in ways that are appropriate for them.
“Former introvert” – have you intentionally done something to change that?
I did. I forced myself to step outside of the bubble I’d formed in my life. It began with me saying HI to those I seen around me. Eventually this led to me being able to approach others and enjoy it.
That’s not to say I don’t enjoy introverted activities or that I don’t fall back into some of those habits. But it has helped me expand my horizons and enjoy an activity that would otherwise held me back.
Joe, I am with you man. Human beings are wonderful at adapting to different environments. As painful as it sometimes can be! Thanks for sharing.
My pleasure David!
I used to think I was an introvert. I’ve come to realize it’s not binary; you’re not either outgoing or shut up in the basement. I’ve found I really do enjoy the company of people. I even enjoy getting to work with and meet new people. I just don’t enjoy the work of having to go out and find new people to meet. I prefer that church or work set up the chance to make new friends.
But yeah, you’re not likely to find me out street preaching. I can talk publicly to hundreds of people in a church auditorium, but I won’t be the guy going out to bring them in. And I’m OK with that.
I’m with you, Eric. I like making friends in arenas I am already involved with. I do like people too, and if I’m with a lot of people all day, I’m wore out.
This is a great topic. I really related to the idea of “pretending” to be an extrovert, just because you know that’s what people want. My real personality is introverted but I always felt that it was a liability. At the same time I am funny and am usually the life of the party when I find myself in social situations and the people are friendly. So I don’t fit neatly in either category. But almost all religious texts extol the virtues of quiet introspection, being slow to speak, and being alone to ponder wisdom. It is nothing to be ashamed of. A ready smile lets people know that your quiet demeanor is not being stuck up or unfriendly.
I work in a busy office all day. I am the “go to” person and I’m “on” all day, cheerful and gregarious. On a personal side, my hobbies are painting and poetry which are by thier very nature, introverted. It is quite common for family and friends to be hurt that I want to be alone when I am at home to enjoy my skills. ……….OK……I just changed my mind mid thought. Is it possible to live in the south, to love other people, to want to make everyone feel welcomed and to not be extroverted?
Oh my, Ellen! I do understand! I believe it is possible to live in the South, to love other people and to be hospitable and NOT be extroverted. We, however, cannot make people FEEL any certain way. Being kind, but firm is the key… and I am constantly looking for it!
I also read the book and thought it was excellent. I wish I would have had the book years ago; it probably would have made me a better parent. In my case, I think Eric is right: I have marks of being both an extrovert and introvert. But the book made me appreciate the creative contributions of introverts and I would highly recommend it.
I am an introvert that regularly behaves as an extrovert. The bottom line is, while I have taught myself to be social and to reach out to people that I don’t know, I need large amounts of time to be alone and to learn, to reflect, and to think deeply. I don’t mind being with other people, but I am totally happy to be on my own. I even revel in it. I have folks in my life that think that that tendency is a bit odd. I think I need to read this book. 🙂
by reading this book I’m hoping to find new direction as an introvert. For over 30 years it has been a struggle to find meaning in my career(s) and excel. Profile assesments only confuse me more. Introverts seem to get the lower end of the pay scale and most of the world caters to the extrovert. Looking for a mentor that could help me change my world! Any successful introverts that would like to show me the way?
I’m definitely an introvert. I have an inside joke: God made some of us to do all the talking and some of us to do all the thinking, lol.
Seriously, Look at Christ and look at John the Baptist. Christ, although perfectly introverted and extroverted, was outgoing, making wine at parties, debating and teaching in the Temple, healing and speaking in the public arena.
John the Baptist was quite, reclusive to the point of living in the wilderness and wearing a garment of camel’s hair and a leather belt around his waist, and his food was locusts and wild honey.
They both had a purpose. They both were very different, yet they both were vital in the history of the world, Christ ranking higher for obvious reasons.
Oops duplicate, please delete.
This is an excellent read; I’m almost finished with it and feel validated and empowered in my “introvertness.” As a job seeker, the pain of networking can be managed through acting like an extrovert for brief periods of time. But when it comes to landing the right role, this book has helped me understand why I am and have been very good at digging into projects with tenacity. That’s a real asset to an organization and it’s an innate introvert quality. Extroverts will get more attention, but we, introverts, typically care less about attention and more about the outcome.
I believe I am a shy extrovert….sounds like a contradiction but like most things in life, very little of what we observe or think we understand is black or white……ithere is a lot of gray area…..in fact it is probably all gray.
I have found I much prefer to be around people and in groups but not constantly…..I enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning, but not all day and night. I don’t have the need to be the center of attention or the life of the party…..but I definitely would not go sit in the corner. One on one conversations or discussions among a few people interests me more than being the featured speaker before hundreds of listeners. In fact, I have noticed some who are gifted speakers before a group are not adept or comfortable one on one.
Johnny Carson was said to be very shy but made his fame and fortune entertaining before millions on TV…. Go figure? I guess it is possible to hide out in the open in large groups rather than behind closed doors.
We spend a lot of time and energy trying to categorize and pigeon-hole both ourselves and others………not sure it is a worthwhile endeavor.
This is a timely blog post for me. As a self-proclaimed introvert, I have had to ignore popular opinion that says that entrepreneurial pursuits are best left to those who are arguably more social, outgoing, decisive, outwardly confident, etc. than I may be. Had I subscribed to that theory when considering whether or not to start my side coaching business a couple of years ago, I would not have had the joy of facilitating communication workshops in Switzerland, designing my own web site (www.harmonyinsights.com), writing unique content, and even marketing/networking in ways that don’t come naturally to me. In fact, I am presently determining what additional value I could bring to my audience if I were to re-position myself as an introvert serving introverts — someone who knows what it’s like to face discomfort and persist. I firmly believe that the best things in life take place just beyond the edge of your comfort zone, and I feel uniquely qualified to speak to the rewards that exist when you take that leap. Discussions such as this one help provide much-needed clarity and direction.
Thanks, Dan!
I too am an introvert and often teach people the skill of Networking for Introverts. Amazing how easy it is to market yourself if instead of talking, you learn to ask the right questions, shut-up, and listen. I personally think introverts have an advantage.
I’m an introvert Dan and I’m thriving so I would YES!
Maybe we should spend last time considering which category we fit into or labeling others and just doing it. What ever your it may be.
I’m an introvert. Actually gaining that label was a great help to me! It was something to grab hold to and learn more about. You see, there were things in me that didn’t fit. I loved reading, and had a small group of friends. I enjoyed much “alone time.” I fit the “melancholy” label to a “T!”
I also found myself as a musical competitor, loving the stage (which didn’t seem very introverted at the time). Turns out my “deep feeling/empathy” introverted tendencies helped me to connect to the music I was singing!
Later on, those same type of tendencies helped me in pastoral care, and even in preaching! I could build upon my introverted strengths, and even build in some extroverted habits as well.
Now, 40 years later, I’m considered a “professional extrovert.” But, I know that I need my alone time to recharge so that I can minister effectively later.
For me, being an introvert is a great blessing. Owning the label has helped me form the identity that The Lord built into me.
Like anything else, work from the strengths, and success will be more common.
Tim
Tim,
Great input. No term describes us perfectly – thankfully we can look at ourselves and and know our uniqueness is okay.
Tim,
When you mentioned ‘musical competitor’ I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. Not because I didn’t believe you, but because that describes me too.
I’m definitely introverted, but there’s just something about music that I can connect with. Especially in musical performance, I just ‘get it’ in a way that comes naturally to me. I am sure that this is related to my introversion.
Thanks for sharing!
Wow, you picked the perfect time to post this. My son is very introverted (like his mom) and just had a very hard lesson in letting it get the best of him.
He has had a really hard time becoming involved in High School activities and we have had to nudge him to try something. He agreed to join a club that was building an electric car. The club was delayed several times because of the weather, and when it finally started, he talked himself out of going. His dad had told his business contact at Siemans about him joining when he first agreed to it. Well she told her boss, who told his, and yesterday his dad received an email that Siemans wanted to interview my son and fly him to Germany to meet with their electric car group. But my son never went to the club because he let his shyness get the better of him, so he had to pass the offer over to someone else…OUCH!
James Woosley had told me about Quiet awhile ago and I just found Quiet for kids (different author), so I will be doing some reading. Like most things, I think being introverted can only stop you, if YOU let it.
Diana,
Oh that is an OUCH. Maybe that experience will encourage your son to at least stretch a little more.
This is an interesting topic. I agree with the reader who said we maybe shouldn’t slap labels on ourselves. I don’t fit neatly into either category. At times I can be the life of the party, and I love making people laugh. However, my favorite thing to do is to read, alone, paint, or write. I only talk a lot when I have something I feel is useful to say. I am often baffled by many people’s ability to literally talk all the time (about nothing). My “fault” is that I can easily get so absorbed in an activity that I “ignore” the people around me. Because people are sensitive about this, I try to poke my head up and make small talk so I can make them happy and feel loved. Then I can get back to whatever I was doing in peace, without guilt. 🙂
Raven – nothing wrong with being the E. F. Hutton in the room – so when you say something people will recognize it has value.
I am an introvert. I love people……one or maybe two at a time. It simply grated on me to be at a party and watch someone come in and announce, “Hi everybody!!” and notice absolutely no one look at her. (When you say hi to everybody, you say hi to nobody.)
That was my last party.
Now I’m a polite, defensive introvert. When someone tells me, “You need to come out of your shell”, I simply smile and calmy respond, “No, you need to get back IN yours.” Most conflicts on the planet arise out of this coming out of other people: Be less like you and more like me. So I thought I would oblige and try it on the extroverts when I’m pressed. So far, so good!! LOL
One or two at a time – that’s my preferred interaction as well. Big groups drain me emotionally.
I have been an introvert my whole life. I have trained myself to ignore fear and not worry about embarrassing myself. Sometimes it is like an out of body experience but it is necessary to function in my professional and church life. You really learn to trust in God to lead you.
Could it be that we consider ourselves introvert while others see something different?
David – yeah we don’t want to get hung up on being too narrowly defined by any one term. We could use many other words to describe the variations of “introverted.”
I love being an introvert! But as I have matured in life, I had to realize there’s a difference in being an introvert as an escape from communicating with people (using it as a defensive passive-aggressive tactic) and being an introvert because that’s who God made you to be for excelling in your purpose & calling. I’m an artist and I work with animals, where introvert skills work well. Love the info shared here!