This is a guest post by Joanne Miller. She is my wife and affectionately known as Queen Mother in the 48Days community. She writes, serves the needs of others and spends time with her grandchildren. She doesn’t use Twitter or Facebook but has more connections than anyone I know. If you’d like to guest post on this blog, check out the guidelines here.
I had a conversation with my daughter about a year ago that brought to light a truth for both of us. The gist of it went along the line of her wanting me to watch her three girls while she went to an appointment. Instead of politely declining I went into a long diatribe about how much I was being pulled into so many directions and was physically and emotionally drained. At the time of this conversation, I was setting up for our weekly art class at the Sanctuary as we were talking. She looked at me and asked, “If you are that pulled, why are you here?” A reasonable question, but at the time I wanted to slap her silly for not understanding. I fumed on that question all day long. We later talked about it and both of us gained new insight.
I have recently had some great discussions with Dan about this balance between being selfish and being selfless. Most of us bristle at the thought of being selfish, self-centered and self absorbed. But being selfless often connotes taking care of or doing for others before any attention is given to our own needs. Putting the needs of others before our own needs is preached from many pulpits. Some people adopt that philosophy to the point of giving everything away and living as a pauper to show their pious selflessness. Dan contacted his friend, Rabbi Daniel Lapin to ask if there is a Hebrew word for a good connotation of selfishness. His response, “The Jewish have a Hebrew phrase, Chayechah Kodmim, which means your life must come first.” It is also a Biblical principle…..love your neighbor as yourself (Leviticus and James). Yet, how often is that principle overlooked, both in the church and in our everyday routines?
What Ashley didn’t realize at the time of my whining and her need, was I needed that art class. It was/is a weekly oasis in the midst of all the responsibilities and obligations pulling at me. It is a time I devote to myself for “rebooting”; expressing myself with paint and palette knife. It is a time spent laughing with dear friends, exploring my creative passions….a spiritual renewal. What I was dealing with at the time was guilt because I couldn’t do it all; be everything to everyone. What I needed was not for her to give me “permission” to take time for myself, but for ME to give myself this “permission” and not feel guilty, neglectful or defensive.
Many years ago, while going through some intense introspection and counseling, one therapist told me I needed to find joy in my heart apart from making everyone around me happy. At the time I didn’t have a clue how to do that. I had concentrated my whole life to attending to others and their needs. If there is an opposite extreme to narcissism it was defined in my life’s mission to make everyone else’s life free from worry, disaster or discomfort. And it was killing me emotionally while undermining my health.
It was during that time of introspection I began to realize it was ok to take care of me. In fact, I have become to believe it is essential to my health and well-being. It has been a process of growth and learning better how to better love myself. In the book Happier At Home by Gretchen Rubin she cited a study that showed people who adopted the attitude, “In order for me to be happy, I need others to be happy” were more apt to be depressed, anxious and to binge eat. Ouch! As my son, Kevin, would say, “I resemble that!” Rubin, in her own self-discovery, decided in order for her to help others to be happy was to be happy herself. Happiness, joy, excitement, eagerness and enthusiasm are contagious.
Being busy has become the American badge of pride and accomplishment to the point where we have accepted martyrdom as the goal of life. We may not call it martyrdom but if you explore some definitions of that word you will find it is closely related to the word “victim”. Those people continually striving to do for others to the detriment of their own well-being could certainly fall into the definition of being a victim. And rarely do we become victims without giving ourselves permission to do so.
My challenge this year, for myself and for you, is to find a healthy balance between being selfish and being selfless. Find the oasis that takes you out of the responsibilities and obligations that fill your days. Give yourself permission to take a “mental vacation” by doing something creative or just lying on a beach and reading a good novel. Create boundaries that make saying “No, I have a prior commitment” ok, even if that commitment is to yourself and you decide to sit in your pajamas and stare off into space for a few hours. Live your life more intentionally by placing value on time for yourself. It will make you perform better in other areas and it will renew joy in your heart.
for several years i have had the opportunity to gently point out to others that self-care is a stewardship issue. we have limited time, limited energy, limited emotional wherewithal and our God who loaned us these aspects of ourselves desires that we use them responsibly. selfishness is rampant in our culture but so is over-self-serving. self-care is to me a biblical issue.
You are right, Juli, it IS a biblical principle. Unfortunately we are often taught from the pulpit that we put ourselves LAST. Not a healthy principle nor is it truly biblical. Thanks for your comment.
Joanne, there were two things you wrote that resonated with me.
First, the part about making sure everyone’s life is free from worry, disaster, or discomfort. As a mom, it has not been easy for me to “let go” and let my kids experience some of these things. I’m working on letting them experience a little discomfort though. Today they will be walking home in the snow instead of being picked up by me- allowing me more productive time and allowing them a little adventure.
Second, you wrote that busyness has become a badge of pride and accomplishment. That drives me crazy! So many times I ask a friend how they are doing and the answer is “Busy!”
Diana, Being busy is not always being productive and we all make room in our lives for what we want to do. And, yes, as a mother, it is very difficult to allow our kids to suffer consequences or to deal with poor decisions or disappointments. But how else do they learn? Sheltering our kids often ends up making them handicapped and unable to become good problem solvers. Thanks for your comment!
I just remembered something from my childhood. My sister and I used to comment that we never saw our mother sit down- meaning that we never saw her sit and relax. Sometimes I ask myself if MY kids ever see ME sit down! Usually my answer is no. It’s easy to forget that we are modeling behavior to our kids, and even our spouse. How we behave now may be setting the standard for how they will conduct themselves when they grow up.
Diana, I have always taken mentoring and being a role model very seriously. Our kids watch our every move and nuance. Teaching them to relax and be in the moment is important. Great comment! Thanks
EXCELLENT article. Much needed. Spot on! Love your neighbor as yourself…love self and then love your neighbor as you love yourself.
I think Mom’s especially have difficulty with this. Praying for ALL of us!
Thank you for your transparency!
Thanks, Pam. The same goes for a marriage relationship. Men are commanded to love their wives as they love themselves. We would have fewer divorces if that principle was observed more often!
Wow! Thank you, Joanne. I needed this reminder. I was getting grumpy with all my making sure things were going well for others.
Thanks.
There are many of us “Serial People Pleasers” out there! And being one is exhausting and often results in resentment and frustration. I learned that the hard way! Thanks for your comment, Deborah
Great article! Another aspect to consider in this is the idea that taking care of others and taking care of yourself don’t have to be in competition. They aren’t polar opposites. In order to be able to serve others to the best of our abilities, we must be healthy ourselves. Sometimes we have to take a step back from helping others so we can renew ourselves. If we don’t take this time, we may burn out and become ineffective and unable to love others to the fullest.
Brianna, You are so right! I never want to be cold and uncaring with others. Recognizing there is a healthy balance is very important. It isn’t a competition. Thanks for your comment!
Thank you Joanne for being so transparent. I want to share another struggle I had, and as a matter of fact, still working through – ASKING others to support ME. As a female business owner, I know how to make decisions, train staff… but sometimes I hesitate even ASKING my staff to do something extra. So I am practicing loving myself enough to ask for help, and not getting in the way when others want to contribute to me.
Wow, Pei….A very important issue. Many years ago I had someone tell me that when I don’t allow them to give to me, I rob them of a blessing. THAT hit me hard. I had never thought of it that way. Asking for help can give someone a chance to bless you and also show you their competence, loyalty and dedication. Good point…thanks for the great comment. jfm
Thank you for the mentorship Joanne!
Oh Joanne. Your transparency and insight are always so refreshing. Thank you for sharing this. I have found that in the quest to take care of ourselves, we must learn the practice of kindly saying “no” when others want us to say yes. Success breeds more success and more opportunity. I’ve learned that I can’t do it all and to only focus on those things that bring the greatest ROI. It’s a daily challenge, but when we take care of our health, relationships and life, we can give so much more. You are truly a blessing to ALL women, indeed! Much love!
Thanks for your kind words, Jevonnah. Being in the position of a pastor’s wife definitely requires you to keep a healthy balance in life. Church responsibilities can become overwhelming and knowing when to create boundaries is mandatory. I respect and admire your ability to be firm and candid with others and to say no when you know in your heart something or someone is not a good fit. Bless you, my friend, jfm