Yes, that’s really the term for kids that go off to college or the great job – only to return to the safety net of Mom and Dad at some point. I recently had a May graduate describe this issue:
“I live at home with my parents which isn’t exactly conducive to building a social life. The rent’s hard to beat, the food is great and we even have this great laundry service where you put your clothes on the floor and this magical fairy washes and presses them, but I’m a little restless and frustrated, especially since I haven’t found a job yet.”
He wasn’t being totally honest since he was in fact working — $8.00/hr at a job which he wrote “is about as exciting as watching grass grow; only I have to be indoors and listen to Muzak.”
Of course with a B.A. in English he should be landing that prestigious $75K/yr position any day now.
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I’m 46 years old and got married the day after I turned 20. It didn’t bother me too much to move out of my parents house at such a young age and I didn’t really have much of a plan. We have lived simple and worked hard and I am now an Engineer living debt free. I try to give advice to my 21 year old son, but try not to push to hard. I think it is more difficult today for kids to move out on their own and it is more widely accepted to live with your parents.
Thanks,
Todd
Todd – our family philosophy was always that if everyone else is doing it, there’s probably good reason it’s not the best choice. The kiss of death for our kids getting to do something was to say everyone else was going, getting, etc.
Not a comment about the article, which is very good, but the text color really sucks and is very hard to read as it blends in too much with the white background.
Bob – wow you’re right. I’m not sure why that came through in such a gray tone.
The children of our great nation
Go out and get education
Mom and dad can’t have peace
Junior can’t get a lease
He can’t find a job in all of creation
I’m almost 38 and do not understand this mentality. I was raised that I pay rent if I’m living at home after college. While my parents didn’t teach me a heck of a lot of life skills to be self-sufficient, I was determined not to live with them as they are unhealthy people. My husband is only 40 but he is the polar opposite and doesn’t agree with me that our children will not be living at home beyond high school unless they are paying rent and in college. Even then, I’m leaning towards giving them skills to move out after they graduate. My son is 5 and tells me he wants to live with me forever, bless his little heart. How did we come so far from the values of our founding fathers?
Heidi
Here’s a motto we used with our kids – give them roots and wings.
Roots and Wings
If I could give you many things,
I’d give you gold and silver rings
Of knowledge that I’ve gained with years
The gift of smiling through the tears
Confidence, courage, determination,
Laughter and spirit and love of creation,
Wrapped up in a box with a bow, I’d give
To you these gifts to keep for as long as you live.
“If I could give you just two things,
One would be Roots, the other, Wings.”
Roots, not to tie you to the ground,
But to guide you to where your fulfillment is found
The nourishing start, the firm foundation,
The source of your inner determination.
Wings to soar over obstacles, wings to fly free,
Wings to glide to the heights of the best you can be.
And when obstacles loom, from your Roots grows a hand
Providing a strong, sturdy, safe place to land.
I’d choose these two things for the gifts that are best,
For with Roots and with Wings, you’ll find all the rest!
I lived at home for one year after college while working full-time. It wasn’t the plan – I got a job in my hometown and my parents offered to let me come back short-term. The job did not go well, and I decided to start grad school after one year (grad school was part of the plan anyway, and it led to a better-paying job). My parents wanted me to stay at home so that I could be in better shape when I went to grad school. I think this arrangement was okay because we had an end date right from the start and I wasn’t wondering around aimlessly. My oldest child is 7, so it’s hard for me to judge what is the absolute best situation until that day comes. I think I would only support a short-term stay if it’s part of a specific long-term plan.
Parents with boomerang children set their children up for failure by not requiring their children to learn how to work before they graduate from high school. Many parents think their child’s education is more important than learning how to work (an important life skill). At a minimum kids should be doing a serious amount of chores around the house. Doing everything for kids so they have time to “focus on their school work” is crazy given the amount of time kids spend on social media. Kids who work before graduating have a better chance of getting a job after graduation.
Employers have “proof” someone can work because that childhood part-time job (i.e., baby sitting, mowing yards, dog walking, etc.) teaches kids 1) how to work, 2) how to yield to authority, 3) how to show up and be responsible every day, 4) how to get along with others, and 5) to be more grateful for the true value of the stuff their parents provide (i.e., it takes so many hours of work to buy a new iPhone).
Kathryn – well said! Focusing on school work to the exclusion of learning how to work produces kids with heads full of information and no marketable skills.
This is awesome and super relevant for me and my husband.
Our middle son, recently graduated from high school and college truly is not the best option for him. It would be a waste of his time, money and quite frankly a stall tactic due to fear. As he searches for his way we told him we love him deeply, will always support him, but there are some things he needs to know; 1. He will pay rent and his phone bill. 2. He will wake up early and begin to be productive 3. He will be responsible for X amount of household duties 4. He will continue to work and build a skill set that he enjoys and that uses his bodily-kinesthetic talents as he finds his calling. 5. He needs to have a plan, even it is not the perfect plan, but a plan nonetheless.
I’m certainly not going to kick him out, but my job as his Mom is to provide boundaries and dare I say, make it somewhat uncomfortable for him to stay for too long.
Being a parent is a tough job:)
Julie – I love your plan. Lots of love but firm boundaries. Your son will thank you – if not now, in years to come.