I just read Guy Kawasaki’s new book – Enchantment – the Art of Changing Hearts, Minds, and Actions – which I highly recommend. Guy referenced this old story from The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin illustrating the counterintuitive concept that asking people for help makes them want to help you more.
One year, a wealthy and influential new member of the assembly made a speech against Franklin’s appointment
to the lucrative position of clerk of the Pennsylvania General Assembly.
Here’s how Mr. Franklin dealt with the problem:
I therefore did not like the opposition of this new member, who was a gentleman of fortune and education, with talents that were likely to give him, in time, great influence in the House, which, indeed afterwards happen. I did not, however, aim at gaining his favor by paying any servile respect to him, but, after some time took this other method. Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I return’d it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before, and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.
Franklin was simply demonstrating another of his truisms: “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
Here’s what happens: If a person has helped you, he is more likely to do so again as refusing would mean he made a bad decision the first time.
Joanne and I have wonderful neighbors all around us. One I praised for his honey production and asked if we could purchase some. I wandered into another’s garden early one Sunday morning and praised him on his gift of gardening then asked his opinion on growing sweet corn. With another we asked for advice on raising chickens and having our own fresh brown eggs as our attempts served mainly in feeding the nightly foxes. In as much as we would willingly pay, all three neighbors now insist on supplying us with their goods and consider it their pleasure to do so. What are the chances that we’ll have fenceline spats with these neighbors or that they’ll complain about the traffic and noise at the multiple events on our property? Rather, they offer to let us use their chairs and firewood.
If you have a tough competitor, ask for a favor. If you have an adversary at church, ask if you could borrow a book they value. If you want to get the wisdom of a millionaire, ask if you could get her opinion over lunch.
Nobody gains success alone. As you help and serve others you will find people all around who are eager to help you as well. It may be more blessed to give than to receive, but there are blessings in being willing to receive as well.
